A Divas Confession

When depression hurts...

2011-08-12T21:28:00.002-05:00

In earlier blogs, I have discussed my issues with my bouts of depression. It is not as easy to get rid of as the commercials make it out to be: Take a pill and everything will be better. It is a disease that carries on and without help, it can devour your very being.

For the past few months, I have been in an ongoing battle with it. There are days all I want to do is stay in my bed and let the pain take over. Then there are others when I want to do something but co out at the end. I see what this disease has done to my relationships with my family, friends and with Jay. My mother gets upset that I do not see myself the way she does, my friends get mad or hurt when I do not want to go anywhere and with Jay, it has put a strain to where I gave him a chance to leave me for someone "normal" but he is not budging.

There are times I hear "just get up and get it over it". I have tried that only to recoil back into my shell as soon as I get home. Then there is the "I can do anything with____" phase. This is where I do things such as art or music or writing (such as this) to get the juices flowing to get the power to get over the hump but I have a lot of unfinished paintings, songs and spaces between blogs (if you noticed, this is my second blog in over nine months). I even started a story on myspace (feel free to laugh...I will give you a few seconds) and that is still incomplete.

I guess I might as start from the beginning. I guess it all started right after graduation. My structure for college life was over and I was to start anew. Though I enjoyed my vacations and parties, deep down, something was bothering me. I went to my therapy sessions and opened up to my doctor but I still had a lingering feeling inside. Sometimes I would wait for everyone to go to bed just to cry. Not a big boo hoo, but to release the tension that was building inside of me.

Then I started to exercise and play on my Wii with Jay to start having fun. Though I was sore at the end and I felt a little relief, there were nights I could not sleep or had panic attacks. So that went out the window fast but I keep trying.

So what is left to do? Well, I have tried everything and I have realized that this disease is a slow ongoing process. I will have my bad days and I have accepted that but I will try my best to enjoy the good days a little bit more. When will this depression go away? I have no idea but until then, I will wake up every morning trying to better myself and my future.

School is out forever!

2011-08-10T21:26:00.002-05:00

I know, I know...it's been a minute since I have posted on this thing but life has its way of making itself a living hell.

First, my last two semesters of college were insanity. Learning a new language, about new countries and writing news reports took over my life everyday. Deadlines and quizzes became a daily norm.

Then graduation came and the pressure was lifted.......for a while.

Life after college has been good to me so far. I have been to Chicago and the Gulf coast for vacations and enjoyed every bit. However, the pressures of the real world crept in and I began to worry.

Job searching, student loan repayments and possible relocation started to become a part of my constant thought process. Where to go? What pay is good? Will I be able to pay off my loans in a few years? You know, things most post college grads think about.

Do not get me wrong, I want to have a successful life but I want it at home. I know that is cheeky but I feel NOLA is a great place to live and raise a family. I know there are better cities out there and a new city's culture would be an eye opener but there is something about NOLA I cannot get out of my heart. My family is here. Most of my friends are here. The city is rebuilding...well slowly and I want to be a part of it.

Then there is my mom. We have not be separated ever and this would be new for both of us. Well, I can not lie, I would miss my mommy if I went away but I know she wants the best for me.

As for myself and Jay, we are doing great. We have discussed the "M" word and have decided that though its good, it is time for us to work hard then get married. He has been supportive through all of my tribulations and is working hard to keep me happy.

So until next time, see ya lata!

Lovely

My Big Fat New Orleans Wedding

2010-10-31T20:26:00.003-05:00

For many engaged couples, a destination wedding is a romantic way to express love and happiness. Couples choose places such as Las Vegas, Hawaii or the Caribbean but there is one place in the world that can beat all of those for the best place to marry-New Orleans!

For starters, New Orleans has some of the best locations to have a ceremony. From the historic Le Pavillon Hotel on Poydras to the newly renovated Roosevelt in the Central Business District to the Bourbon Orleans deep in the French Quarter, the city has first class sites that will treat brides like princesses with the royal treatment that has been going on for over a century.

If you want something a little funkier or off beat, places like the Louisiana Swap Exhibit at the Audubon Zoo, the Louisiana State Museum and the Audubon Aquarium of the Americas provide a unique place to celebrate your vows.

For some cities, certain times of the year are not a good time to marry due to an off season but in New Orleans, there is never an off season. Couples can get married as the ball drops at Jax Brewery on New Year’s Eve, can have a rock n roll wedding at the Jazz Fest or Voodoo Fest or watch the floats go by while getting married during Mardi Gras season.

Is the stress of planning a wedding too much to handle? Well if eloping is your thing, New Orleans has wedding chapels that will marry you at any place in the French Quarter including at the bank of the Mississippi River. With some of the best boutiques in the world, brides can find the dress of their dreams or the dress that is nontraditional.

If the most important part of your wedding is food, then New Orleans is the best place for you! From the famous Galitore’s to the always packed Acme Oyster House, there is a taste for even the pickiest eater. For the formal couple, a sit down dinner at such places as the Audubon Tearoom serves some of the best formal foods such as quail while for the casual couple, a buffet at Crescent City Brew house gives way for have conversation while eating some of the best Creole and Cajun foods.

So if you are at home, looking at your wedding books, wondering where is the best places to wed just remember that the Big Easy is always open.

www.StyleMyWedding.com

www.BobWalkerMedia.com

www.myneworleanswedding.com

My life as the fat girl

2010-02-27T01:43:00.002-06:00

Ever wonder what you were put on the Earth for? World peace? To fix the money problems of the common person? I was always told that everyone had a purpose in life and they should take their purpose seriously.

However, can a person be put on this Earth just because? Ok, I know you are confused so let me explain....

Ever since I was nine, I've been fat. I have heard all of the fat jokes you can make up in your head and seen the pictures that are supposed to make me feel that my life is worthless because of it. I have seen the commercials that say that fat is ugly and no one loves you. At first, they used to upset me to the point that I would put things over my mirrors so I would not see myself. I started to take things that would make me go to the bathroom right after meals and throwing up after everyone went to sleep. However, I got really sick and had to stop. So I started eating once a day. I would pretend to be full around my friends and family when I was really hungry as a mofo. This worked about three months until one night I was so hungry, I got out of my bed and went to the store to buy a bag of chips and scarfed it in like 2.5 seconds.

As I grew older, I noticed the way fat people were treated. In shows and movies, they would be the comic relief or the dimwit who would do things for food. Like that movie Precious where the girl steals a bucket of chicken and hides in the corner and eats it. That is what most people think fat girls do instead of dating. I was asked that once. It was like: "Have you ever stolen food cause you were hungry?" and I got mad and asked "Do you steal makeup to conceal your ugly face?" The stereotypes I have heard have made laugh, cry and think. Am I predisposed to these things because of the way I look? If I am, I am screwed.

I have heard the "Then lose weight" speech. For what its worth, I have lost weight but I'm still fat. I've lost 39 pounds but there is not any real change. I still shop in the Plus department and there are still somethings I would not be caught dead in. Some designers have stepped up their Plus Size game and I have some nice clothes. However, it used to hurt to go shopping with smaller friends. They would go to 21 while I went to Lane Bryant (for what its worth, 21 has a new Plus department Faith 21 which looks very nice). They would come out with cute clothes that showed off their curves whilst I was hidden in clothes to hide my bumps.

Then there was the social scene. While I was a fun dance partner for maybe one or two dances, there were times I sat on the sidelines holding drinks and purses. My friends would rack up the numbers while I was making my way to the bar.

Don't get me wrong, I have dated but when I was in my single life, blind dates were hell. I remember once I was asked out by a guy for dinner. I put on my best but when I got there, I could see the look on his face. We talked for about 10 minutes when all of a sudden, he had an emergency and left. I spent the rest of the night walking down Royal Street looking at art.

So what about college? Well school has been an experience I have grown from. I have noticed that there are many like me. We are beings who are floating in and out of campus sometimes with people but mostly alone. We have our on fashions and we love who we are.

So what about friends? Well friends are a very tricky thing, even if you are thin. Most of the friends are true but there are those who use fat girls as an "enhancement". To define this action, I will give you an example. I had a friend once. Very pretty, nice (Or I thought she was) and thin. We would hang out at times yet she had this knack to call on me when I guy was coming over. I thought she was just trying to play the shy role when in fact, she was giving the guy the message to talk to her instead of me. It was her way to enhance her chances of being noticed. I finally caught on to it and stopped talking to her. It was a lesson I had learned. Sometimes, I was asked to go out on dinner dates with a promise that I wouldn't be the fifth wheel and usually, I was sitting while others danced and laughed with their dates.

So what was I put on this Earth for? Maybe I was put here as window dressing for someone to enhance their beauty? Or to be an excuse for someone to make jokes about? Or maybe I was here to help the Spanx company make good money (by the way, Spanx are sent from God to my waist)?................

Or was I put here to make fat acceptable? Maybe I am supposed to be this way. Maybe I'm supposed to be the shape I am to put pride and beauty in these situations. There were nights I would look at others ans want to be like them but what's so good about them? Maybe I am here to just to be admired by someone when I walk down the street..............

Maybe I was put on this Earth just to be free.

Will I ever...

2010-01-03T23:01:00.000-06:00

i have this empty feeling inside of me.

when i breathe i feel my soul escaping

like its wanting to leave to find better pastures

i have this empty feeling inside heart

when i try to speak i hear no words

like the wind has silenced me

i have this empty part in my soul

that tries to fill itself

Just a brief thought

2010-01-03T23:00:00.001-06:00

We are told as we are growing up that dreams are something that changes through time. Our dreams are what keep us motivated and they are one of the constant things that stay with us. I know for myself, my dream was always to be a writer. To inform the world of the things going wrong and right around them was always a thing for me.

Now, that I am a writer, I see how my dreams are still not complete. I still have a dream to reach the top of the writing world and to become a well known and respected reporter that people can trust. If we were to stop at the general part of our dreams, we will never see the full aura of what we can do.

Our dreams are our souls showing us what we can become if we hard or what can happen if dont. There are people who try to decipher what our dreams mean into a general notion. However, dreams are like snowflakes, no two dreams are alike. What you may see as a good thing, I may see as a horrible vision.

Who are we without our dreams? I met a guy once who told me he doesnt dream or he doesnt remember what he dreamt about. In order to do that, we would have to practice submissing our true feelings, in my opinion. We are given dreams by a higher power and we are given a choice on what to do when we wake up.............

Are you following your dreams...........................................................

Still on My Brain

2010-01-03T22:59:00.000-06:00

This is dedicated to all those who arent opening their hearts but know something beautiful when they see it.

When we met,

I wasnt expecting to feel anything

I was just looking for someone to talk to

But when our eyes met, I was taken aback

I saw my soul's reflection

So I let myself go

When we kissed

I started to feel my guard fall

But I couldnt let myself fall for you

So here I am

Thinking of you

Knowing that loving you is something I can not do

For my heart is locked

And thats where it will stay

No matter how beautiful you are

I cant see you that way

However dear friend

Until we meet again

I will think of your smile

And I will bask in our memory

If only for a while

Sorry, this isnt my best work. However, I just had to get that off my chest

Thats just too bad

2010-01-03T22:58:00.000-06:00

Hello all..........here's a little something for all of you daters out there.

When you know your date is going bad....

1. When your date is supposed to arrive at 7.....but doesnt show until 8:30

2. When you hop into their car to find other people you dont know in there already

3. When you open the door in one of your best outfits and they say nothing

4. When another person has to complement your outfit in order for them to say anything.

5. When walking together, the space between you two is so far, people can walk between you.

6. When you are talking to them and they seem totally uninterested

7. When you have a better convo with the strangers you found in the car

This is just the tip of the iceberg........I am welcoming all to add to this list. Dig deep and post what you think is a sign of a date gone bad.

2010-01-03T22:57:00.000-06:00

The following entry is for mature readers only. If you are a tightass, easily offended or your feelings get hurt alot, please dont read this. However, if you decide to read it and you get mad, I got a few words for you: Fuck off and die.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, lets begin shall we.

I came into this world in a military materity ward in New Orleans born to an officer but not a gentleman and a wandering soul looking for a place to have peace in their heart.

As I grew up, my life was a rollercoster ride. I grew up not trusting anyone and learned that everyone out there are only out there just to hurt you...

So understand to writer, you have to understand the inside of the writer. The writer's heart is what makes the writer write the way that they do.

Without further ado, I am............

A father deserted child

Abused mentally, physically and emotionally

A gifted soul with a tortured heart

A body with hidden bruises

Teased by peers

Pressured by educators

A wild writer who needed to be tamed

I began to write my feelings out to express the real me

The words I wrote made readers' hair stand up on the back of their necks

I came out like a gay person finally free to show their true colors

Whatever I said, what I did showed the world who I was

But I don't trust the world

The world loved the words but not the writer

So back into my shell I go

I was told to see someone about my "problems"

My "problem" was bi-polar

If you break those words into two, the mean "twice cold"

Thats how I feel

My heart and soul are twice as cold

I feel no one will understand the essence with is me

I have become the box no one wants to open

The person that everyone sees as a category

Daugther, ghost writer, muse, friend that always listens, the fat friend, the cook, the time filler, rebound girl, the ugly ducking in a lake of swans

Well let me tell you something, theres more in that box

I am country military brat

A project hood rat thats been shot and carries the scar to reminds that I should watch my back at all times

A writer with a sharp mind and tongue

A person with many opinions and I dont give a fuck if you dont like it

Thats right, I said fuck

I am a Army daughter with a mouth like sailor

I smoke, I drink

I am the one who go on a date with you with and become the life of the party.......anywhere

I wear black cause its sexy

And I think garter belts and four inch heels turn you on

I'm a PCC girl and a Southern belle with a Scarlette like attitude when I feel like

Yes I am fat, Fabolous and Thick and I like it that way

My selfesteem may not always be there but look out

When it gets here, you may not be strong enough to handle it

I'm new kind of pin up girl

My body says fuck me and my eyes dare you to try

My legs are yours to wrap around

My lips are yours to do whatever........and I mean whatever you want

I am the fantasy masseuse with oil in hand

Ready to rub out every desire you can ever think of

I am the the one that every moan and groan is dedicated to

For those who dont believe I am all of those

I only have one thing to say: Come try me

I promise I'll be all that and more

And that ladies and gentlemen is what goes on in a writer's mind

Your body is here with me (Another woman's admiration)

2010-01-03T22:55:00.000-06:00

You knock on my door

I let you in

You wrap your arms around me

I melt at the smell of you

You share your inner thoughts

I hang on every word

You look deeply into my eyes

I fall into your spell

Here I am

Neo searching for Trinity

Serenity fighting alongside Darrien

Selene praying to find her Endymion

Our souls are crossed in a whirlwind universe

But I read your graceful love letters

I saw the words of love

I felt the passion behind them

I heard the sweet song of the heart

If loving you was a crime

I hang my head

What I can do

But to suppress my heart once again

For you are another one's admiration

You are another one's thought and dream

You are their sun and moon

You are my love......lost too soon

Independent dependency

2010-01-03T22:54:00.000-06:00

For years, the stereotype has always been the same:A woman always will need a man.

However, for the past few decades, women have done their best to squash this theory. Women's fight to vote in the 1920s, Women's Lib in the 1970s and the "Independent Women" movment of the late 1990s and early 2000s have all been a turning point in which women have stood up for themselves.

However, there is another side to this glorious fight. The side that is never discussed or is swept under the rug. This side is in all women yet we try our best not to show this side to many. It is considered a weakness and should be put under lock and key because this part of a woman is considered a "flaw"...

The "I want to saved by the prince on a white horse" side.

This side, while enjoyed in romance novels, soap operas and song lyrics, is something that women do not discuss aloud with friends nor with loved ones. No woman wants to be called needy nor desparate by their peers, so they shut these feelings out of their "normal" lifestyles and try their best to cope.

The stories, like the stories of Post World War II housewives of the 1950s, are prime examples of how women submissed themselves because of the fear of not being able to handle a household without their husbands. These women, some with college degrees, became "home engineers" and were settled with this position.

However, there were others who wanted more. No more barefoot and pregnant lifestyles, no more having to only survive off the husband's salary and no more living in fear of being alone. This was the start of a new idea of thinking.

Yet,what if the part women are trying to put aside is the healthy part of them trying to come out? For once in a female's life, maybe she should have her right to want a prince on a white horse or a prince with a rose to sweep you off your feet or just a regular guy with a good heart with the best intentions.

Why is it that in this day in time, fictional stories with too good to be true love plots are better received than the pure idea of a woman and the man of her dreams in a whirwind romance? People are being given a double edged sword to play with and are cutting themselves deeply. The movement is actually scarring many into a place that they are afraid to step out of.

What needs to be done is a coming out of closet type of action. Do not be afraid to ask for the romance, the love...........the wanting to be rescued. If there is no action being taken, people will forever wondering.......Is there someone out there to save me?

Blue eyes

2010-01-03T22:52:00.000-06:00

Heres a poem I thought of while fliing through the channels:

Blue eyes

Everyday, in all I've been through

When I look up

The skies are usually blue

Everyday, I see you

I study your face

And one fact I see is true

You let things of the world weaken your body

The material things put you down

Life seems to make you feel like you are going to drown

I see the tears in your eyes

I see your soul torn

I see your heart full of regret and scorn

I see your eyes turn blue

From all the stress around what you do

But I must warn you

For every turn of life

There is someone there with a knife

To cut you with a quick slice

While you were asleep

2010-01-03T22:50:00.000-06:00

I rubbed your shoulders

I caressed your head

I fluffed your pillows

As I put you to bed

I grabbed the blankets

I tucked you in

I covered your body

As your dreams began

I kissed your face

I closed the door

I even laughed

When I heard you snore

I closed the shutter

I turned off the light

To you my love

I bid you goodnight

Baby if you you give it to me...

2010-01-03T22:49:00.000-06:00

Ok this subject is NOT for the weak...so if you are weak when it comes to certain subjects, you may want to close this now.....

Every Sunday night, a few friends and I watch Talk Sex with Dr. Sue on the channel Oxygen. She is a famous sex professor in Canada who for an hour, take calls about anything and everything sexual.

Well, there was a young lady from New York who was tired of her husband not giving her oral but demanding it almost every day from her. Well, Dr. Sue informed her that if she wanted it from him, she would have to either A. Talk to him about it and settle it like adults or if that did not work...B. Withhold it from him.

Well when the show to commerical, one of my friends said, "I would just go straight to B and make him suffer!" And this got me to thinking, if someone is willing to please you in that way, shouldn't the receiver at least consider repaying the giver by hearing out how they feel and what they may want from you?

Ok, I know there are few....hell lets be honest, a good bit of you out there thinking :"Whats the point of doing it to them? I didnt ask them to do that and etc., etc., etc. And why should I do that? I dont like doing that!"

In this writer's opinion, I feel there should be a few rules of sex. Oral, anal and/or regular sex whatever, there should be some lines of communication. If you KNOW you do not swing that way, you should tell your partner before they something "extra". Nothing starts a more petty fight than: "I go down on you but you never do me. Whats wrong with you doing it sometime? What you got against it? And blah blah blah."

Ladies and gentlemen, this one of the hidden reasons for divorce! I mean WTF? So since you do not get your two-blow-jobs-a-week treatment, you end a marriage? This is why before you jump into that situation (or any serious situation) you must have more sexual feelings that match. Let your partner know: "Hey, honey. I love you and everything but I don't do that." If they really love you, this will not be a problem, however, if they start flipping out over that you need to leave that well enough alone.

As for me, yes I have played the part of giver and receiver and in my opinion, nothing is more personal and sharing than exploring your partner's body in that fashion. Sex in any way, shape or form is a serious form of expression and sharing of feelings.

From having sex for the first time, to deciding if you want to take a friendship to another level or your wedding night....it is a special thing and you must make sur it is what you want and in the fashion you want it in.

Love, so many people use your name in vain..

2010-01-03T22:48:00.000-06:00

Love happens to be one of the most used words in any language. Love takes on many ways, shapes and forms. It can used to seek approval, to show affection towards people and it can allow other people to see you in a different way.

However, what IS love? Is it a feeling like taste or hear? Is it thing that only happens only a few times in your life? Or is it just a word we use to get our way?

According to Encarta, if you were to search the word love, this would appear:

Love, emotion explored in philosophy, religion, and literature, often as either romantic love, the fraternal love of others, or the love of God.

However, is that all? Can that simple explanation really clarify what we really feel? If we were to break down love and the many ways in it is used, we would have a book thicker than the Webster's dicitionary. Let us look into how this word affects us in everyday life.

First there is the love we feel when we are born. The love of mom and dad or just one of them. To most, this is the best experience of love. These first years of learning about feelings molds how we will give and/or accept love. If we are hurt by someone during this stage, it stays with us. If a young person feels a lacking of love, later on in life it will affect how you will treat relationships. In a study done a few years ago, young homosexuals stated that the way they were treated in childhood led to how they found love later on in life. Most who were abused say that they feel that love is associated with the kind of abused that they suffered with. So if you were beaten and the explanation of why they were beaten was "because I love you", that is all they will ever know.

Then, there is the "if you love me, you would do this for me" love. This feeling is most commonly used by young teenagers and young adults to soothe out a way to get something out of their partner. When a girl is hesistant to give into sexual relations, this is what they will usual hear: "If you love me, you will do this" or "You know I love you so you know I will never leave you." This either A) gets the boy what he wants or B) get the boy what he wants, with more drama to follow afterwards. This abuse of the word can open a can of worms that no one is ready for. A pregnancy may happen and it may lead you back to the first feeling of love we talked about earlier.

Then, as we get older it becomes "I love you but I'm not in love you". This feeling comes with the feeling of the most pit of feelings we acquire as we go into the real world. Lovers or friends or both? Which of these is the right one? As we get closer to people, our feelings evolve but sometimes, this feeling becomes a one way street. This person cares for you and would never hurt you in any way but the feeling is not there. So this love is drowned in sorrow and sad love songs.

Then, when we do find that right one, we are the happiest we can ever be and familes are raised and life is good. For some this fairy tale does not last forever. This is when we come to "We fell out of love but love each other enough to be good in front of the kids". This is where parents put up a good front for the kids so they will believe that everything is all good. But most kids can read right through this and feel that they are being lied to. This can be avoided by being open and honest with kids at an age they can understand.

This entry may seem a little anti-love, but it is just showing that beyond the poetry, songs and presents, there is a dark side to love. Whether we like it or not, love is not always beautiful, its not always postive and it is not always a happy ending. What we do have from love is a lesson that we keep in our hearts forever.

Thinking of you in the afternoon...

2010-01-03T22:47:00.000-06:00

For the past few weeks, I've had this dream. I don't know how to explain it so I will just tell in details...

Its a summer after and I was walking in the door from work and front of my doorstep there was a dozen roses. I pick them up and read the card. It says, "Walk inside and check the coffee table". I walk towards the table to find another card saying: "Go upstairs and check the bed".

I run upstairs to find a beautiful sundress lying across the bed with another note:"Wear this and wait outside". I get dressed and go downstairs to find a limo waiting for me. The driver gives me a note:"Wear this blindfold and dont be late". I am blindfolded and led into the limo. I ride for a while and when the limo stops, I am lead to a small table. The blindfold is taken off my eyes and I find a table filled with candles and and soft music filled the air.

I find a letter on table expaining why I was put on this chase. It said that there was no other way to express how they felt and showing me was better.

I looked around forthe person who had done this, only to feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn to find a tall and handsome guy with a beautiful smile. He grabbed me by the waist and we began to dance.

And that was that...........weird huh? Oh well, maybe it will come true or just stay a dream.....

A poem about lost love

2010-01-03T22:46:00.000-06:00

To be without you

Is like being without my daytime

Everyday seems so gloomy

And I don’t know how I get through

I had others pursue me

Try to lure me

Attempt to woo me

Try their hardest to move me

Away from you

But I try

To get by

Just by the sound of your voice

I look for you in every face I see

But yet I go to bed alone wondering

If you are out there looking for me

Do you feel the void that I feel
Do you clutch your pillow at night

Craving for my embrace

Wanting to wake up to the morning light

Next to my sleeping face

Do you feel my arms wrap around you

As I say a silent prayer for your lonely heart to heal

As a young woman

I didn’t understand the ways of a widow

Like Betty or Coretta

But being without you

I feel in my heart

That I can’t do any better

Cause you are the one who has my heart

Maybe that’s why I feel such pain when we are apart

What goes around......

2010-01-03T22:43:00.000-06:00

You ignored me

You always looked at me as no one

You saw her as a queen and me as a peasant

You wanted to serve her as she took out everything that you wanted to be

She ignored you

She always looked at you as no one

She saw you as a chore boy and I saw you as a soulmate

She wanted you to forget all about me and I saw the whole thing through

I was ignored

I always stood by throughout everything

I saw you as the one to steal my heart

I wanted you but did not see that and I was floored

So now that she has moved on and you are left alone

She has went to her castle and left you with no home

You are coming around stalking me like a hound

But never again because what goes around comes around

Question of the day....................

2010-01-03T22:42:00.000-06:00

Hello readers! It's time once again for another entry........this time, I decided to have a series of questions that always come up in conversations. So here is the first part of Question of the day..........

Today's question: Is there such a thing as a "light relationship"?

In these times of questioning the real definition of monogamy, we have seen many new twist to the concept of "open relationships". For some, it gives us this loophole to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife" with the added bonus of being with other people. We call these people "screw crew" or "Fu-- Buddies" but do we really need them?

Whats the point of an open or light, as its being called now, relationships when all you really want is a different person to sleep with every night? Why put yourself through all the guilt and sneaking around when you can just be open wih no "attachments"?

In the day and age with AIDS and other STDs, along other dramas that can occur during these types of relationships, is it really worth it?

Everyone has there opinions on why but what if, just what if, you gain feelings for your partner but in their minds, there is no relationship?

Well, I'll be waiting for everyone's responses.

Loe ya lots,

2010-01-03T22:41:00.000-06:00

This is for someone out there who maybe missing someone today.....This is a little something to help you express how you feel...........

As I walk down the road, I think of you

As I stare out the window, I wish for you to be next to me

As I sleep, I dream of you

As I feel the breeze of the wind, I hear your voice calling for me

As I cry, I feel you wiping away the tears

As I pray, I hope that God is protecting you until we meet again

For we are physically apart, but in my heart, my soul and in my spirit

I know you are there with me

I know you have to get on the grind, but there is a selfish part of me

That wants you to stay with me

You worked so hard to get here you are

You fought off the worse and rolled with the best

Some accepted you in there circles while others tried to shut you out

Still you rose to the occasion

Now it’s your day and all I can do is be there for you

I see you there proud of the result of your hustle

But I know that this is the end of one chapter and the beginning

I know that the days, the weeks and the months will pass

And the time, the space and the distance will come into play

One thing I know that will stay true is we will always have our good times

Cause where there's me, there's you; where there's you, there's me

Another small poem

2010-01-03T22:40:00.000-06:00

when i first met you

we hit it off so fast

always together, talking about the past

now looking back, i didn't know then

that you would become

more than just my friend

now that you know

i never wanna let you go

eventhough you are far away

there is one place

you will always stay....

cause,

no matter where you go

no matter what you do (no matter baby)

one thing's for sure

that i'll always love you

no matter where you'll be

i will never leave (no baby)

cant you see

that we were meant to be

my first thought in the morning

my last in the evening

you are the reason baby

that i'm always dreamin

your voice lights my soul

your love makes me whole

now i know i'll never, never

let you go

cant let you go that easy

you gotta tell me how you feel

please let me know

if this love is real

for good and for bad

through the light and the dark

you have been the strength

in my heart

so baby please

tell if this love

is right

because i dont

want to leave without

you another night........

An open letter to a brokenheart

2010-01-03T22:37:00.000-06:00

To whom it may concern,

I thought this letter would be of service to you. I could not take knowing that you are sitting there hurting the way you are. You tried so hard and so faithfully to let someone come in to your space and show you things you have been yearning for.

However, you feel torn. You hear Mariah sing we belong together and Marcos declare that if you were mine he would be your everything, but nothing heals your pain. You hear Luther plea for only one night cause that all you want. Nothing more, nothing less. Just one night to feel something you have not heard in a long time.

Cause like Phyliss sadly says, you can't stand living all alone. Your soul is tortured because the person you would give your heart to has stopped your dreams cold. The pleasure and pain that flows through you is nothing you have ever felt before.

So you give up. You crave for this person. You know was just let down easy. But in your heart, you keep a small hope because no one in the world makes you feel the way they do.

It is soul suicide. You keep killing your spirit. It is never going to be anything more than what is presented to your face. Your moonlight is now dim.

So the best thing to do is to wave your white flag. Leave everything that you thought could be a good thing and walk away and you got a long way to go and its such a lonely road.

Student Politics....Lost Cause?

2010-01-03T22:34:00.000-06:00

In the 1960's and 1970's, students took to the streets and protested many subjects such as wars and civil rights. They were mostly peaceful except for a few situations such as the Kent State shootings in 1970. Students risked their lives to let thier voices be heard.

Now, that we are in war again, students are not taking to the streets. In fact, according to a recent poll, 55 percent of students say they would not protest this war because they felt that their voice would not be heard. Many think that protesting is a waste of time and unpatriotic. Others think the news covers everything enough and they can pass their opinions that way, but who is right? Is it wrong for students to pick up a sign and walk in front of campus and vopice thier opinions?

Most feel that if you want to do something about a certain sitiuation, that you should put up or shut up. If you have a problem with the war, you should either enlist or say nothing. If you see someone's Civil Rights are being violated, you should help stand up to the aggressor or turn your head. It is not illegal to take action were it is needed nor is it illegal for someone to take a stand against what is wrong.

So is student politics still alive or are we only going to see student protestors in our history books?

Give me heads up on what you think.

Have you ever....

2009-12-19T04:25:00.003-06:00

Well. Another sleepless night at the home front but its cool. I know Mama wants to hit an Old Navy sale soon so if she's up to it, we'll go.

Also today is the Saints/Cowboys game. We have to go 14-0. I know to some that's great but to us NOLA fans, this is some scary shit. For forty something years, fans have suffered many disappointing seasons. In 2006, we were so close to the Superbowl (Damn Chicago Bears) but alas, it didn't work. For the first time since Hurricane Katrina, the people of NOLA (that's New Orleans, La. to those who may not understand what NOLA means) have something to think about instead of raising homes and fixing up shit that contractors didn't finish. There was talk that we have a racial gap in this city but it seems that the Saints have healed the wounds of the cuts of separation. No one knew that this year would do so much.

However, the big wig media heads will not give us our credit. Why you may ask? Because no one wants to believe that a "small" city like NOLA can have something so big in a place that's not considered a big major city. There's always sayings that the Saints are "lucky" or haven't played anyone too sound but lets look at the facts shall we:

First, yes we played the Lions and it was a hot mess on their end. 1-0
Then, there was Philly and yes, McNabb was hurt but the the replacement QB did a smashing job. 2-0
Third were the Bills and the talkative T.O. (yet he is sexy). We did well and in a colder condition. 3-0
Then, the world famous Jets. The home of Broadway Joe and the new sensation Jeff "dirty" Sanchez. Another New York defeat. 4-0

And on the fifth week, the Lord and the Saints rested. Waiting for the chance to continue their domination.

Here came the Giants and the one part of the Manning dynasty Eli. Another great game that made people say "Look at New Orleans" 5-0
Then, we went fishing in Miami. Now don't get me wrong, we were getting our asses kicked but once again, we prevailed with faith and a good defense. 6-0

Now there's talk in the media that the Saints maybe someone to look at. However, while we are on our streak, The Indy Colts with another part of the Manning herd, Peyton were going on a streak of their own. So once again, we are on the back burner.

Then some Dirty Birds from Georgia came in thinking they were going to knock us off on a Monday night making us look bad on our jobs. They were plucked. 7-0
Some Kittens from Carolina purred their way in and barely escaped with their nine lives. 8-0
Went to the Lou and the Midwest Swing. 9-0
Back to Florida where we met the Bucs. Home of the creamsicle unis and the winking pirate. Well the sicles melted and the pirate opened his eye. 10-0

Then he came. The Holy one of the NFL. Tom Brady. The model baby-maker and Stetson spokesperson. He and his Patsies came in and went back to Boston confused. "The Saints did what?" 11-0
Then off to our Nation's capital to face the Redskins. We had more problems than the Dems trying to pass health care. However, the faith and the unknown Who Dat watched as we kicked into history. 12-0

Now the talking heads are saying that we can't hold our own. We're going to fall apart and Minnesota has a better chance....yet we won our division. Keep talking haters.

Then those Dirty Birds came back. Damn peckers almost got us...but lucky 13 smiled our way.

Now they're saying that were falling apart more yet we have one of the best offensives period. Keep on believing that we're going to crack the levees and you might drown in denial.

So here come the Cowboys and the golden boy Tony Romo. The one who broke Jessica's heart and her scale. Once again, the talking heads are talking defeat....

Have you ever wondered if dreams come true? We'll know by January 3rd....

WHO DAT!

Lovely :)

And I want to live in my dream part 2

2009-12-13T16:30:00.003-06:00

Well, a few months ago, I started a blog about Jay and mine's relationship. For you who may have forgotten since it's been a while and you don't want to re-read the first one, I'm black and Jay is white and there has been some things that have shaped and affected our relationship.

Well now that Jay is home, the stares have come back. Its almost 2010 people. Almost 50 years after the Civil Rights Era, people still cannot get over the fact that people can cross racial borders and find love.

However, since moving home, I have learned something. When I first came home, there were many Latinos who moved here to find work in the rebuilding process. Some have a big ass problem with them coming here but I was like this: If they want to do it and you want to sit on your ass, shut up bitch.

Well, as they started living here, they started to become more involved with the NOLA society and with its people. Now three years later, there are more Latino/Black, Latino/White and Latino/Asian couples walking around. As I see them, I smile yet I see those same people who looked at Jay and me with stupid dirty looks. I hear them mumble: Is he/she from here? (meaning if they are illegals), I wonder if they speak Spanish to insult people cause people don't know what they are saying?, I wonder how many people live in their homes?

Stupid shit that makes me wonder what's going on in their lives that makes them comfy to judge others? What makes them feel that their way is the right way? Then it hit me: These people are unhappy. There is something missing in these people's lives and they are trying to fill it with hate and ignorance. Their hearts are hurting and instead of embracing love for themselves, they decide to hate on others and their happiness.

So what can we do to live in our dreamworlds? Easy, just love and be in love. Love your life, love your happiness and love your special someone. Be in love with love and all that it can build and fulfill.

Til next time,

Lovely :)

Guess who's back?!

2009-12-12T04:29:00.003-06:00

Well, well, well. It's been almost a year since I've typed anything that isn't school related. I know I have been gone for a minute but a lot has changed...a lot. Well, let's get to it shall we.

Well first things first...JAY IS HOME!!! Yes, nine almost ten months ago, Jay got into some bad financial problems and things were getting worse by the minute. So at 6:00 AM on a Friday morning, I hopped on a Greyhound straight to Houston. Seven hours of boredom and half sleep filled my day.

After landing there, my BFF Rena drove me to a U-Haul place and I rented a truck and drove to other side of Houston. When I got there, Jay was packing everything he could salvage and we loaded up to leave. After a seven hour ride, my phone died so we bought a charger cause no one knew if I was ok. (In another post, I will give you the story of the bus ride. Two words: Hot Mess)
After loading up everything, I realized three things: A. It was the end of February and it was hot as hell, B. I was running on maybe three hours of sleep and C. Jay had a lot of shit to say he lived alone.

So we left, mind you like I said in the last paragraph, I was only running on three hours of sleep and Jay license had expired, I had to drive home.

I was okay for a while. We talked and it kept me up for a while. However, Texas has a lot of long, skinny and winding roads when its after midnight. After a while, things started looking like a blur and before I knew it, I was driving on two wheels! I had ran into a winding curb and drove sideways for like five minutes. Then all of a sudden, I felt a hand guiding my hands and the road didn't seem so dark. I got back on the road safely and drove to the Louisiana border where I started to fall asleep again so Jay and I went to a hotel. I don't remember much after that cause I fell straight to sleep but I kept wondering how that dark road I almost flipped over on became so much brighter.

I when I woke up the next morning, I dreaded looking at the truck thinking it was damaged from us almost running off the road. Alas, there was no marks on it! It was like nothing happened. Pleased that ordeal was over, we headed home.

Now, coming was pretty hard for Jay to do. In Houston, he had his own apartment, a good job and was content. Now he was coming home to live with me and my mom in this tiny ass apartment. Moving his stuff and my stuff couldn't flow so we put some of his stuff in storage.

Well, as much as I was glad to see him come home, Jay and I hit a few bumps. Fuck it, we hit a lot of them. Now I know relationships get rocky but it was to the point we were screaming at each other. We had lost the communication we had built our relationship on years ago. Things were different now. I had a heavy load at school and he tried his best looking for a job since his old one couldn't find him a place here. So for seven months, Jay tried his best to get a job but it didn't work out well. He ended losing all of his stuff in storage cause he couldn't keep up with the payments.

This is also when I noticed some things. Not big things but shit that makes you think. Well first of all, we looked at life differently. He mourns silently while I'm a blubbering mess. I stress out a lot yet if he is, he rarely shows it. That and two independent people can clash over simple things. I yell at him for not picking up a towel and he yells at me for not eating and not taking my meds. Its nothing to break up over but it makes you think.

Secondly, we had our own different worlds yet we didn't fuse them together. While he talked to his friends online, I was chatting it up with mine but in my mind, I just thought he didn't want to be part of this family or our relationship was fading.

Well it came to blows Thanksgiving evening and I thought this may be the end of what I thought was a fairy tale relationship. However, for the first time since he has been here, we finally got to say things and found out we wanted the same thing, just in a different matter.

Things got better after that, Jay found a job and we are talking more. My shrink wants us to go to counseling but neither one of us can afford it now so we try to talk out things but I think we will try counseling soon.

So I am at 5AM and not a bit sleepy. Jay has to be to work for 8 and I have a final on Sunday morning (who the hell made this testing schedule will hear it from me in a nice comforting letter). Last week, I was up for 34 hours. Why? I don't have the slightest idea. This semester has killed me. I found some gray hairs that weren't there when I started this school term. However, that's for another post to rant about that.

He's snoring so I guess that means I should try to get at least two hours in. I'm just glad to have him back.

See you guys in my next post :)

Lovely

And I want to live in my dream

2009-01-09T03:43:00.005-06:00

*waves* I know, I know. You're probably thinking: "Where that heffa at?" LOL. Well after Chistmas and concussions also New Years and nose bleeds, 2008 ended kinda weird.

Well, with that said, lets continue to todays post.

"There would be no black and white, the world just treat my wife right. We could walk down in Mississipi and no one would look at us twice."- Dreamworld by Robin Thicke

I finally had the chance to listen to my new Robin Thicke CD. If you dont know who he is, google his name and listen to a bit of the music. He's beautiful and has a beautiful voice. :)

Well while flipping through the songs, I stumbled into Dreamworld, a truthful song about wanting something that most dont think is possible. I sat and listened to it at least three times. What he said in this song make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

The song basically expresses, quote above also, his wanting to live in a world where life can be lived and there wouldnt be any problems, no racism or shame.

So this entry will be about my and Jay's relationship...an interracial relationship.

Now, now. Some of y'all are thinking: "So what? There are many of those around so what makes this blog any different?" Honestly, ever since I've been reading this entry for a while and I'm still deciding what I should say.

Well, everyone knows how Jay and I met and how we got to this, however, theres so much to it then just being in a relationship.

I knew when Jay's family found out about us, shit would hit the fan. Here's this girl they didnt know about and the cherry on top is she's not one of us. There were times I knew they wanted him to break up with me but my beloved has this "I dont give a fuck about you think" chip implanted in his brain.

I have to admit, when we first started dating. there was this little voice inside my head (not the regular residents that live in my brain. just a guest.) saying it wont work. Saying that he doesnt really love you, its just a fling. He's just doing something to piss off his family. However, my fears were taking the best of me and I almost broke it off a few times. Once, I was so depressed from my fears of this relationship, I had a minor breakdown.

I started slowly to face my fears and they began to go away but in someway as always, something brought them back.

At one time, Jay and I were discussing marriage was I was helping my cousin pick out her invites. As we were talking this, I had to ask. I had to ask him how would his people re-act to us getting married. First there was this pause and that was one of the longest pauses I've ever been apart of. Then, he just smiled and said "Fuck 'em."

It seems that once Jay and I because closer, the more drama would start. First, it was the stares, then the judging and the best part, trying to talk to the couple into dating their own race again. If I can get a quarter everytime I heard something like: "Why are you with him?" "What can he do for you?" "What are ya'll going to do when ya'll have kids?", I would be chillin at Bill Gates's house cooking gumbo with his wife.

Well, I gotta cut this short. My eyelids are fluttering. Please come back for part 2

Broken mirrors

2008-11-24T21:31:00.002-06:00

Ever had a dream that woke you up but had a real feeling to it? A few weeks ago on one of those days when I didnt go to sleep until 6 AM, I drifted into a sleep that felt different.

As I felt my body relaxing, I heard a small voice. It was calling my name. I tried to ignore it but it kept calling my name. All of a sudden, I felt a jolt in my body. It felt like my body was changing but I couldnt control it. I opened up my eyes and I saw three people in front of me. First one was me. Well actually, the younger me. I was abused mentally and physcially and I saw the scars of my young life. Second, I saw the teenage/ early 20's me. She was rebellious yet easily hurt. She let things get the best of her and fell in love with the guy that was kind to her. Then I saw the me of now and the future. She was poised and sure. However, she had something missing.

They stepped towards me and I stepped back. "What do you want of me?" I asked. "We want you to chose." the second image said. "You have to decide which one of us you want to define you as a person."

The first one looked at me and said: "Choose me because I was with you when they hurt you. I kept you safe when you hid in the closets. You can never deny me."

The second one said:"Choose me because you felt free with me. You didnt have to answer to no one but yourself. Even when you decided to try take your own life, you did it on your own and there was no one to stop you. You can never deny me."

The third one said:"Choose me because I am the one who led you to true love and happiness. You will have many beautiful days with me. You will be the person of your dreams. You can never deny me."

Here I was, standing in front of the person I was, I am and what I will become. They all made good points but for all the wrong reasons. In all of them was a bit of my selfishness. They possesed what I tried to deny. I couldnt do anything but look at them.

So I grabbed the future me and said:"I choose you because you are what I want to become."

I grabbed my second image and said:"I choose you because you are the independent part of me.
You have given me the choice to follow my dreams."

Lastly, I grabbed my younger self and said:"You are the strength that built from my pain. You taught me that I could conquer anything."

Then, mirrors appeared and they shattered.

I woke up suddenly feeling the same jolt in my chest. I looked into the dresser mirror and saw just one me but I knew that theres more to me than I ever dreamed of.

A time to live and a time to die

2008-11-12T00:37:00.002-06:00

As you remember in my very first post, I said that I would talk about personal loss. Well, a certain death has touched my heart.

After Katrina, my gradfather suffered two strokes a week within a week. That along with his alzheimer's condition, it rendered him weak without his ability to speak, eat and clean and dress himself. So we were told that a nursing home would was the only way to give him proper care.

One day, while waiting for the nurses to finish dressing him for dinner. I met a lady named Ruby. Ruby Johnson was a classy lady whose body was weakened by a stroke. The first day we met, she told me about the first time her grandkids came to see her and how nervous they were just like me. We talked for a bit and I made my visit and left.

As time went on, I found myself visiting her after visiting grandpa. We would talk about my classes and she would tell me about putting her daughter and son through school by working two jobs and helping them keep their grades up to help them get grants to help her out. She was proud to meet a black student at Tulane.

As we became closer, I started cooking extra Sunday dinner so I could bring it to her because the nursing home was hella horrible. We would sit in her room (cause she didnt want anyone to ask her for something) and watch tv. She had pretty pictures of her kids and grandkids on her walls and books on her nightstand next to her television where she watched Riffleman everyday like clockwork.

Since my grandpa's body is weakening and his condition will never improve, mama and I have tried to prepare for his passing. We dont know when but we have tried to have everything done for that day.

Well, the day after the election, I went to the nursing home and I found Ruby talking to my grandmother who made her visit like clockwork from noon to four. They sat me down and told me stories of how life was when they were my age. The "no colored" signs and sitting at the back of the bus and the police dogs attacking them and their friends.

Well for two hours, I heard her talk about how its important it is for my generation to change the world and follow the words of Martin Luther King to unite this country.

Well, on my visit Monday, I went to see gramps but he was asleep. I noticed something was missing. The Guilding Light was on but Miss Ruby wasnt in her regular spot. So while looking for her, gramps nurse pulled me over and told me thruth: Miss Ruby died of a heart attack in her sleep Friday night. My heart dropped. I couldnt cry because it didnt hit me until I looked in her room and saw that all of her pictures and books where gone but the television was showing Riffleman.

I thought I was ready to use my prepared sense of knowing what to do but that didnt work at all. I felt that loss and the plans flew out of the window. So is the preparation of death worth the planing that it takes or does the loss of life a way that you have to work on your feet and your check your feelings? In this case, the death was so sudden so the plans went for naught.

I will miss you Miss Ruby. You were a class all your own.

Far away for far too long

2008-11-09T23:32:00.000-06:00

Hi! *waves* Today I thought I would give you a bit of my life by talking about something thats a huge part of my life.

Well, being from New Orleans, me and many others lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. I dont have to go into details especially since mostly everyone has seen the damage that has been done to my city. We were scattered all over the country not knowing who was where or if this person was alive or floating in the water.

My escape landing from the storm was Houston. After almost 20 hours of driving, we were tired and hoping this visit wouldnt last long. Well, as the story goes, levees broke and everything was gone.

Searching for loved ones became a chore. Attached to phones and laptops hoping to see if they can find their new whereabouts and ways to contact them. Well after finding most of my friends and family (thank God) I received a call from someone that was one the most important people in my life, my best friend/boyfriend Jay. He and his friend at the last minute made a bee line to Virginia and was safe.

After many discussions and a lot of planing, Jay moved to Houston. I was so excited to see him again. He was one of the first people that I found safe. When he jumped off the bus, I grabbed him and cried my eyes out.

So here we were picking up where we left off. The long nights talking, watching ball games and just being in each others company and listening to our fears of returning home.

As time went on, I found myself revealing more and more to him and giving him my all just to be next to him. He had become my rock when I felt like crying in dark or questioned God's actions for what happend to us.

The feelings that were growing between us had become so strong that I didnt want them to end. Here he was my best friend since ninth grade and now we are looking into each others eyes falling in love with each other more and more everyday.

But as time went by, my homesickness got worse. There were times I just wanted to eat and stay in bed. Houston was huge and hella confusing but it was no New Orleans. So after praying and planing, my family and I decided to move back home. It was a hard decision. We knew that the home we remembered was long gone and this would be a hard way to recover what we lost.

Before I moved back, Jay and I has a huge fight. It was an all out hard fight. When I look back at it, I dont even remember what the hell we were fighting about. So I went home without saying good bye face to face, just his key with a letter attached to it saying that I was leaving.

Well, as time went by, I missed him. I really needed him here with me. There were times I would sit in my FEMA trailer (aka the toxic tuna can) and think of him. What he was doing, was he happy or was he with someone else that made happy. After a long talk with myself (trust me, if want to figure something out, talk to yourself. just dont get caught) I decided to call him.

The rings were making my chest hurt. Should I hang up or should I just wait. Well, after debating, I waited for him to answer. When he answered, my voice cracked. All I heard was "Hello".

After my heart went back into its proper place, we talked and talked. It was like old times. Its like we never stopped talking to each other. Then, as we said goodbye, the words that I had been waiting for since we met: "I love you Lovely. I always have and I always will."

Well, I wanted to hear it but it to actually hear it said to you gave me chills.

So, two years and a lot of conversations later, we are still going strong. We talk everyday and everything is cool except...

He still lives in Houston. Thats 362.7 (thats right, I counted) miles. Six hours and 15 minutes (if you get caught in traffic) of driving. Countless songs on my MP3 player.

I try my best to see him but with his job and my classes, we arent able to do this. So what do we do to keep up our relationship? Lots of text messages, nightly phone calls and something a skype call just to see how we look since the last time we saw each other.

Granted I love the way we love each other but it gets lonely. I miss his embracing and the way he put his fingers through my hair and this silly thing he does with my nose (i dont know what the hell he's doing but it makes me giggle everytime). Those times I cherish and keep in my heart until we see each other again.

What happens next is actually up to fate. I wont be done with school until 2010 so I am basically staying here and finding an internship that will boost me up into my dream. We both know that our dreams are important and we want to aim higher so we can have the kind of life we have always dreamed of.

So until we meet again my love, I will see you in my dreams.

Greetings :)

2008-11-09T00:02:00.000-06:00

Hi. My name is Lovely. After reading some of my friends blogs, I decided to have one of my own. As time goes by, I will bare my soul and sometimes my humor to give you a small peep.

You will read subjects such as interracial relationships, mental illness, personal loss and sometimes radom shit.

Will be writing soon,

Lovely ;)