For what its worth

In the almost 32 years of my life, I have seen many things. Death, destruction and rebirth.
The one thing that has not changed in those years is one thing: second chances.

I can remember when I was a kid. I had the worst case of asthma. I could not run or play with the other kids because I would run out of breath or start to feel dizzy. There were meds to be taken hour after hour with needles and breathing treatments. Seventeen years later, I was a starting guard for a women's football team.

I remember when Katrina hit and I came home to find all that I had loved was gone. The sky blue walls I had painted four months before were moldy and black. Less than 10 years later, my blue walls are just as beautiful and just as pure as they were when I choose the color.

I remember losing my father and having to bury him. I was heart broken and lost. I thought there was no end to the pain. Eight years later, I still miss him but I try to carry on the vision he and my mom put towards me.

What is the actual meaning of this post? I have learned to live with obstacles and how they affect my life.
Now almost three years out of college, I am facing another fear: The fear of not finding work.

Is it hard? Yes. I have applied to many jobs over the past few years. I actually had a job but no career advancement. Did it suck when I had to leave? Of course. I started as an intern with the promise of better things. I was told by reporters and teachers that I was a rare find in this business: A person that could have compassion for the viewer but have the ability to be cutthroat when possible.

I have been told the road to success is a long one. That you have to work hard and wait for your turn to jump in. Once you get the taste of being what you love, you want more. You sacrifice things and sometimes people just to get where you want to be.

Will I get where I want to be? Yes. It will be hard but it's not like it's never going to happen.
Will I have to lose to win or gain? Yes. If things have to be done, I will do it.
Will I ever give up? No. It's not in me............

tears.............part 6

The sun's setting served as a background, Michaela cruised to Jefferson Parish with time spare. She parked her car and took one last look at herself before she walked in. Everything was in place but the heart sinking feeling she had earlier settled back in her.

"Maybe this was a mistake. What was I thinking to ask him out? Ok Michaela, you have to shake it off. You asked him and now you have to face it."

She took a few deep breaths; she opened her door and shook the wrinkles out of her dress. It was ten minutes to eight when she gave her keys to valet and walked inside.

She walked towards the hostess slowly gazing her eyes to find Lance. "Good evening madam", the hostess said with a big grin. "Do you have a reservation?"

"Yes, it's under the name Bailey. I'm waiting for the other person in my party."

"Well ma'am, I would be glad to show you to your table and let your guest know where you are sitting."

"Thank you. I would like that."

"Right this way ma'am." The hostess led her to a small table with candles lit in the middle. The hostess pulled out Michaela's chair and told her that the waiter would be there soon.

The waiter came about a few minutes later. She ordered a hurricane and a glass of water. She looked at her watch and it read eight o'clock.  She sipped slowly as she looked around the room. She felt her purse vibrate and picked up her phone.

"Oh great", she thought. "All of this and he maybe calling to cancel." She looked at her phone only to find out that it was Samantha calling. She put her head down and answered in a whisper: "Hello."

"Hey girl, how's it going?"

"Nothing is going. He isn't here yet. Maybe he will be a no-show and I'll be eating alone…again."

"Michaela, stop it. It's Friday and you know damn well traffic is dreadful. Just be patient and relax. He'll be there. Just act natural and don't act like you are sending out the National Guard to find him."

"Ok, ok. I'll be ok but if he isn't here in 30 minutes, I'm leaving. Bye, Sam."

She placed her phone back into her purse and began to sip her drink once more. She went to reach for the menu and her phone fell off her lap. She leaned to pick it up only to find roses on the table.

There stood Lance in a black suit with a white unbuttoned shirt. Michaela could not help but to scan him up and down. He looked like a guy out of a magazine shoot. His blonde hair naturally falling down into place, his blue eyes as clear as oceans and his smile that brightened up the room amazed her.

"Lance, it's good to see you. Please sit. I haven't ordered yet."

The waiter returned to offer a drink to Lance as they looked over the menu. Michaela watched his lips moved as he ordered. His smile was memorizing and his drawl had a Southern gentleman type speech.

"Michaela….Michaela, are you ready to order?"

She shook her head and snapped out of her trance. "Sure. May I have the seafood platter with loaded fries please?"

"Okay", waiter said. "And you sir?"

Lance grinned and leaned back into his chair. "I will have what the lady is having also."

"So, Michaela", Lance began to ask. "What is there about you I need to know about you besides your urge to drown yourself in the lake?"

"Well, there isn't much to know. I was born on a military base here in Louisiana. My dad was in the Army and my mom was working with the Blood Center getting people to donate blood. They met at an Army blood drive and sparks flew. They married and I came about five years later. Then they divorced and my mom did her best to raise me. I had a normal life. I graduated from High School, went to Tulane and then worked my way up as a writer. Now, how about yourself? What should I know about you?

Before Lance could answer, Michaela's phone rang. "Excuse me for a second", she said with a nervous giggle. "Hello."

"Hey girl, it's Sam. Did he show up?"

"Yes, I left the article on my desk. I'll go over it tomorrow. Good night Samantha."

"See? I told you he would. See ya later."

Michaela put her phone back into her purse as Lance looked at her with a smirk on his face. "So, your friends are checking up on you I see?"

"Yeah, they were just being nosy. What should I know about you Mr. Broussard? "

"Well, there isn't much to say. My mom raised me. My dad wasn't around much. I went to a small High School and learned a lot about computers. My senior year, I got a scholarship to a school to learn how to work on and to built them. I spent my fours years there, got certified in many systems and started my own business. I didn't have many customers at first. I started fixing friend's computers for hardly anything and word of mouth spread and I began to fix more. I usually repair and set up computers for small businesses. The station was the biggest gig I've ever had."

"Wow. So owning your business your biggest dream?"

"Not really. At first, it was to work with a big corporation as head IT guy. Big office, big salary and a big life were a big thing to me. However, after fixing my first small business, I felt more respected. In a big corporation, I would have been just another face but with these people, I'm not just a face. I'm Lance, the guy who can fix anything and can be relied upon at anytime."

The conversation went well past dinner into dessert. They laughed about silly things that happen in their everyday lives. It was like they had known each other for years. Michaela told him about what goes on behind the scenes of a normal broadcast and Lance tried his best to explain a normal computer problem although Michaela sat with a puzzled look on her face. 

It was a quarter past ten when Lance walked her to her car. "I had a great time Michaela. We should do this again. How about next week?"

"Sure. I'll call you and let you know when I'm off. Good night Lance."

She sat in her car while looking in her rearview mirror catching one more look at him. She smiled and waved as she pulled off for her long trip home…

tears..............part 5

"For James Simpson and Michaela Bailey, I'm Toccara Morrison. Good New

Orleans."

"And that's a wrap everyone", Eddie said from the control room. "Another great broadcast."

Michaela pulled off her microphone and started to walk to her desk. She grabbed her purse and began to walk out when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey girl", Samantha said. "We are going to Fox and Hound for drinks. Are you down?"

Michaela placed her eyes towards the floor as she started to explain her plans. "I can't", she said sheepishly. "I have a date."

"Saaaaaayyyy whaaaaaaaat?! A date? Is it with the repair guy from this morning?"

"Yeah, we are meeting at Copeland's at eight o clock. So I'll take a rain check."

"You damn right you will. I'm just glad you are going out instead of locking yourself in your office. You know I want details tomorrow right."

"Of course girl", Michaela began to giggle. "I'll have it on your desk in the morning." She poked her tongue and began to walk to the elevator. 

As the elevator doors opened to the garage, Michaela turned her car alarm off and opened her door. As she sat in and fixed her mirror, she noticed how junky her car was. "Man, I have to clean this thing one day."

She flipped on her Ipod and began her drive home. It was the same route she took everyday but today was different. For a weird reason, she was glad to go home. Going this time did not mean long hours of research or writing up tomorrow's questions for an interview. Tonight was a rare night for her to be herself.

She parked her car and grabbed her suitcase. She spoke to the doorman as he opened the door for her. As she opened the door to her apartment, she threw the suitcase on the sofa and listened to her messages. Nothing new was on there, just the station and a few from her mom.

The water in the bathtub began to flow as she peered into her closet. She hadn't dressed for a date in so long that she had no idea what to wear. Most of the outfits were work outfits or outfits she wore to the store or to work out in at the gym.

Distressed about what to do, she grabbed her cell phone and called Samantha. After a few rings, she heard the sounds of music and chatting in the background.

"Hey Sam, its Michaela", she started to say. "I can't go through this."

All of a sudden the music stops and the chatter gets low. "What do you mean you can't go", Samantha yelled. "It better be a good ass reason you can't go."

"I don't know girl.  I feel funny doing this and besides that, I don't know what to wear."

"You don't know what to wear?! Is this why you can't go? Have you lost your mind?"

"What's wrong Sam", a voice said in the background. "Who is that?"

"It's Michaela, Ed. She says she can't go because she can't find anything to wear."

"Say what? Give that phone! Michaela, its Eddie. What do you mean you don't have anything to wear? Girl you go shopping every other week. How is this possible? That's it, we are on our way."

"Wait, wait", Michaela stumbled. "I can do… Hello…hello." It was too late, Samantha and Eddie were on there way. "Oh great", she thought. "I should have seen this coming."

After taking a warm bath and getting into her robe, Michaela sat at her vanity mirror and looked at her reflection. She still saw the overworked version of herself. She opened the drawer to take out her makeup but was still hesitant about this date. She wondered if this was all a big mistake.

Then, she heard a knock on the door. She walked to the living room and saw it was Samantha and Eddie at the door.

"Hey girl", they said walking past her into the living room. "We're here to help. Let's start in the closet."

"Really guys, I don't know if this is the right thing to do. I mean it's been over two years since I've been on a date. I have no idea how to act on a date anymore."

"That's why we are here", Samantha said while peering through Michaela's makeup collection. "I'll do your makeup. Eddie, get to working on that outfit."

"Girl, I'm one step ahead of you. I see potentials in the making."

Samantha sat Michaela down in her chair and began to get to work. As she scanned the different shades of color, she lifted Michaela's head to figure what would be good for the curves of her face.

"So tell me why were you trying your best to get out of this date? He seems like a nice guy and he's cute to boot. I hope this isn't because of Terrance."

"Well, it kind of is. Everyone knows how great he was when we first started dating and everyone knows what a change it was when we got deeper into the relationship. I just don't want that again."

"Well first of all Michaela, I told you in front when you started dating Terrance that I didn't like him. There was something about him that turned me off.

However, you were happy and I just wanted to see you happy so I said nothing. There's something different about…what's his name?"

"Lance……..Lance Broussard."

"Cool. There's something about him I did not feel when I met Terrance. He seems like a genuine person. I see him hanging with us and not acting all stuck up. Well I don't know Lance that well but I feel he would love what I have done to this face."

Michaela turned towards the mirror and was shocked at what she saw. There were no more looks of tiredness or overworking, just a flawless face with a small glow and a hint of color that matched her eyes.

"You have outdone yourself this time. I don't look like I've been working 12 to 15 hours a day."

"Well my job is complete. Let's go see what Ed hooked up. Where ya at Eddie? Have you found something?"

"Of course I have. OOO Sam, I love the makeup girl. It fits her. Well after much coordination, I have found the perfect outfit."

Eddie reached from behind his back and revealed a blue tea length dress with a matching belt, accessories and a pair of blue wedge shoes.

"I was in the back of the closet but I think it was the best one out of all the outfits. Come on, let's get this all together."

After she dressed, Michaela walked her friends to their car promising full details in the morning.  She hopped into her car and began to drive to restaurant with butterflies in her stomach….

tears................part 4

As time passed, Michaela's schedule became more hectic. She drowned herself in work to distract her from the problems she had faced a month before. For hours, she would sit at her desk, report from the field or work from home, overworking herself with little sleep.

"There's has to be more to life than work", she said. "I can't keep going like this. Maybe if I got in a little nap before work, I'll be ok." She placed her head on her desk and slowly closed her eyes.

As the sun passes through her curtains, Michaela slowly opens her eyes and turns to her alarm clock. "Oh no", she said jumping out of her bed. "I overslept!" She runs into the bathroom to freshen up and stares into the mirror to see a worn out version of her. Her hair is unkempt, eyes are bloodshot red and her face is pale. She stares for a moment only to snap back into reality and runs out to her car.

At the office, workers are walking at a fast pace trying to get the latest news stories out to the masses. As Michaela walks towards her desk, she is greeted rapidly by her coworkers and handed papers to keep her in the know about her next assignment.

As she walks into the Sports department, she realizes her coworkers aren't actually working. She runs up to them and tries to see what was going on. "What's up ya'll", she said in a huffed breath. "Why is everyone just standing around?"

They all turned around to give her a big hug and fill her in on what's going on. "The computers are fried", said Samantha. "So they called a tech guy to work on the problem. Oh by the way, Mr. Hawkins left your new assignment on the desk."

"Oh my word ya'll. Have you guys seen the repair guy", Eddie said in a singsong voice. "He is Hot!" Eddie starts to fan himself and pretends to faint.

"Whatever Ed", Samantha replied while rolling her eyes skyward. "You said that about every guy that walks in here."

"Anyway y'all, he's under your desk Michaela. Go see what I mean." He shooed her towards her desk. Michaela chuckled while walking slowly to her desk.

When she stepped to desk, she noticed a rear end sticking from under there.

"Excuse me sir", she spoke politely. "I just want to pick up these papers for my assignment."

"Its ok ma'am", the voice replied. "I'm just finishing up." The repairman slowly stood up and looked straight into her eyes. It was Lance. She took a step back in shock and began to open her mouth.

"Well hello Michaela", he said with a half smile. "I see you made it home safely. I kind of remember asking one request from you but I guess…"

"I am so sorry Lance", she began to speak in an 'I'm embarrassed' tone. "I meant to call but…"

He raised his hand up to reassure her that it was ok. "Well at least I got to see you again. I'm just glad you were ok. Seeing you like that really scared me. I feel that if I would just keep walking, I would seen it on the news and felt bad about it."

"Lance, I never had a chance to say thank you," she said. "Please accept my offer to join me for dinner."

"You don't to do that. Just seeing you was enough."

"No, please. It if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here. Please join me. Between that and saving the bureau's work for the week, I owe you a lot. So let's say 8 o'clock at Copeland's?"

Lance smiled and extended his hand towards her. "Eight o'clock it is", he confirmed as he shook her hand. "I'll see you there." He tipped his hat and began walking towards the next desk.

Eddie and Samantha skipped across the desk and leaned on Michaela's desk. "OOOO girl, he was all in your grill", Eddie said with a giant grin. "It was like he was glad to see you."

"So who is he girl", Samantha asked in anticipation. "He was fine."

"I told you girl", Eddie snapped. "I can spot a fine man 100 yards away!"

"Well, we have met before", Michaela said while stacking her papers for her assignment. "I was walking and we bumped into each other about a month ago."

"And you haven't gone out with him yet? Girl, I would snagged him up and would been cooking breakfast by now."

"That's because she isn't a fast whore like you", Samantha said while poking out her tongue. "You would have given him some the first night."

"And you damn right", he replied with no hesitation. "Speaking of getting some, see what the cat dragged in 30 minutes late."

A petite young woman walked in, yawning as she walked towards the trio.

"Good morning y'all," Toccara said while yawning still. "What's going on?"

"Well, look decided to show up for work", Eddie said sarcastically. "If it isn't 'Miss I was hanging with the MVP last night'. I see you survived it."

"Nothing happened between us Mr. Prissy Pants", Toccara snapped back. "We just talked and he told me some stuff that happens in the locker room."

Eddie's eyes lit up with joy. "Such as…."

"Haha, that's for later my horny friend."

As they laughed and continued talking, a stout older man walked into the room.

"Ladies and gentlemen", he said with a booming voice. "Everyone please join me in the meeting room. We have to assign this week interviews and today's top stories. See you all in five minutes."

As Michaela gathered her notepad and started towards the meeting room, she couldn't his blue eyes off of her mind…

tears..............part 3

The door opened and a little girl answered. Michaela smiled and hugged the child and asked for her mother. "Mommy", the girl exclaimed. "Auntie Michaela is here!" Her mother, with her little brother at her mom's hip, walked to the living room to find Michaela still in her damp clothes.

"Girl", the woman said looking totally confused. "Why are your clothes wet?"

"Well, Rene, that's what I came to talk to you about. See what had happened was…"

"Michaela please don't tell me you tried to…"

"I don't know. I was fine until…"

Before she could finish her statement, there was a knock on the door.  Rene opened door and a woman in a nurse's uniform walked in.  "Hey Rene", the nurse said between short breaths. "Please tell me you have some foot soak cause my feet hurt like hell."

"Sure I do. It's in the bathroom cabinet. Oh, Michaela is in the living room."  The nurse walked in to find Michaela still her wet clothes still trying to wring out the water from hair. "Hey girl. What happened to you? Did you fall in a pool or something?"

"She didn't fall in a pool Maria. She tried to kill herself."

"What?! Again? Michaela you promised…"

"I know. I know", Michaela replied. "I was doing fine until…"

"Don't you remember what happened last time", Maria yelled. "Remember the grief we went through after that time you tried to OD on pills? Or what about the time you slit your wrist? I swear Michaela, sometimes you….m'inciter à vouloir vous claquer autour!"

"Whoa, whoa there. If you are going to yell at me, please do it in English."

"See? This is what I'm talking about! You're not taking this seriously! You think this shit is a big ass joke!"

"Hold up, hold up", Rene cut in. "Now Michaela, what happened? What would drive you to do this?"

"Well", she started. "I was doing fine at work and then Terrance called…"

"Good lord", Maria interrupted. "Why doesn't this surprise me? Why is it every time you try to kill yourself, he is the common thread? What did he say to degrade you this time?"

"Well I was about to order some lunch and he called. When I told him that I was ordering lunch, he said 'Well I hope are eating something healthy cause the last time we met, you looked like you gained some weight. You know the camera adds 10 pounds to you. It would look bad if you looked big as a house on television.' I couldn't say anything. In fact, I ran to the bathroom and threw up."

"I don't know what to say girl", Rene said after a minute of silence. "I really don't know…"

"I know what to say", Maria cut in. "Why are you still talking to this clown? Why is he still calling you? Doesn't he have something else to do besides call and upset you? Why do you answer your phone when he calls? If it were me, I would blow a whistle in his ear. That would stop his ass from calling." Maria stood up and started walking towards the bathroom, grumbling something along the way.

"Look girl", Rene said in a soft voice. "You have to let him go. If you don't, he will continue to make you feel this way. He will always have the upper hand if you don't stand up for yourself."

Tears started well up in Michaela's eyes as she listened to Rene's soothing words. "I don't know why I let him do this to me. Just when I thought it was I was over this, he comes in and makes the situation worse. I don't know what to do."

"If I were you", Maria said walked back into the room. "I would say 'Fuck off!' then hang up and if he kept calling it would go straight to voicemail. Look ya'll I gotta get back to the hospital. I'm working a double. Remember what I said Michaela. I'll call ya'll later."

As Rene walked Maria her car, Michaela sulked into sofa. She took a deep breath and closed eyes. For now, she had lived to see another day…

tears.........part 2

She slowly opened her eyes and looked around the room. "What happened?", she asked. "Where the hell am I?'' The cool towel fell off her head as she saw all of the computer parts scattered all house. "What the.....am I in the Matrix?''
'' Oh I see you're up'', a voice said. "Are you ok?''
Her eyes met up with eyes that were as blue as the lake she tried to drown herself in.
''I'm ok. Where am I?''
"You're in my office'', he replied. "Sorry for the mess. If I knew I was having company, I would have cleaned up. Are you ok, Michaela?"
"How do you know my...."
He let out a small chuckle and pulled out a purse. "I guess this is yours."
"Oh, well thank you so much Mr...."
"Broussard but please call me Lance. You're welcome Miss...."
"Bailey but Michaela is fine."
"You put a fear in me'', he said. "What were you doing sinking into the bottom of the lake like that?"
She grabbed her purse and sat up on the sofa. "Its none of your business. It was something I had to do.''
''Well I know its none of my business but when I walk by and see someone drowning themselves in a lake, I kinda feel obligated to help them out.''
''Well thank you but I really must go.'' She slowly got to her feet only to stumble back to the sofa. She relaxed her hand on her forehead as the room started to spin. She tried to stand again only to fall once more. ''I think you should rest a little more. You were under water for quite a while.''
"I cant'', she replied. ''I have to get home."
"Well I tell you what. Let me bring you home and in the morning, I'll get a tow truck to bring your car home.''
''Thanks but its ok. I really should go.'' She grabbed her purse and stumbled to the door. "Ok", he said. '' However may I have your number to let me know you made it home ok?''
She reached in her purse and gave him one of her cards. In return, he gave her one of his. ''That way you can see who's calling you."
She ran to her car and reached for her cell phone. ''Hello'', Michaela said in a huffed breath. "Girl, I need to talk to you. Can I come over?''
After a few minutes, she reached to a condo and knocked on the door...

Tears

As the sun set slowly on the water, a small breeze passed through her red hair. The sounds of the water crashing onto the docks seemed to drown the hums of the cars that were driving on the bridge nearby.
The tears flowed from her face and into the lake as she slowly started to take off her shoes. Slowly she walked closer to the end of the dock crying ever so softly. The water started to creep in between her toes as started to walk farther and farther into the water. Waves crashed near her waist as the sun seemed closer to her face. She slowly closed her eyes and took a deep breath and head first into the water.
As her body slowly sank towards the bottom, she felt herself becoming lifeless and limp. This is what she wanted. She wanted it to end this way.
When all of a sudden, she felt a hand grab her arm. The water seemed lighter as the light of sun reached her face again. Going in and out slowly she saw a shadow hover over her.
"Are you ok? Please say something!" the voice began to scream. She slowly opened her eyes to see a man over her.
"Please! Say something!"
She looked into his eyes once more before her eyes closed again......