Have you ever....

Well. Another sleepless night at the home front but its cool. I know Mama wants to hit an Old Navy sale soon so if she's up to it, we'll go.

Also today is the Saints/Cowboys game. We have to go 14-0. I know to some that's great but to us NOLA fans, this is some scary shit. For forty something years, fans have suffered many disappointing seasons. In 2006, we were so close to the Superbowl (Damn Chicago Bears) but alas, it didn't work. For the first time since Hurricane Katrina, the people of NOLA (that's New Orleans, La. to those who may not understand what NOLA means) have something to think about instead of raising homes and fixing up shit that contractors didn't finish. There was talk that we have a racial gap in this city but it seems that the Saints have healed the wounds of the cuts of separation. No one knew that this year would do so much.

However, the big wig media heads will not give us our credit. Why you may ask? Because no one wants to believe that a "small" city like NOLA can have something so big in a place that's not considered a big major city. There's always sayings that the Saints are "lucky" or haven't played anyone too sound but lets look at the facts shall we:

First, yes we played the Lions and it was a hot mess on their end. 1-0
Then, there was Philly and yes, McNabb was hurt but the the replacement QB did a smashing job. 2-0
Third were the Bills and the talkative T.O. (yet he is sexy). We did well and in a colder condition. 3-0
Then, the world famous Jets. The home of Broadway Joe and the new sensation Jeff "dirty" Sanchez. Another New York defeat. 4-0

And on the fifth week, the Lord and the Saints rested. Waiting for the chance to continue their domination.

Here came the Giants and the one part of the Manning dynasty Eli. Another great game that made people say "Look at New Orleans" 5-0
Then, we went fishing in Miami. Now don't get me wrong, we were getting our asses kicked but once again, we prevailed with faith and a good defense. 6-0

Now there's talk in the media that the Saints maybe someone to look at. However, while we are on our streak, The Indy Colts with another part of the Manning herd, Peyton were going on a streak of their own. So once again, we are on the back burner.

Then some Dirty Birds from Georgia came in thinking they were going to knock us off on a Monday night making us look bad on our jobs. They were plucked. 7-0
Some Kittens from Carolina purred their way in and barely escaped with their nine lives. 8-0
Went to the Lou and the Midwest Swing. 9-0
Back to Florida where we met the Bucs. Home of the creamsicle unis and the winking pirate. Well the sicles melted and the pirate opened his eye. 10-0

Then he came. The Holy one of the NFL. Tom Brady. The model baby-maker and Stetson spokesperson. He and his Patsies came in and went back to Boston confused. "The Saints did what?" 11-0
Then off to our Nation's capital to face the Redskins. We had more problems than the Dems trying to pass health care. However, the faith and the unknown Who Dat watched as we kicked into history. 12-0

Now the talking heads are saying that we can't hold our own. We're going to fall apart and Minnesota has a better chance....yet we won our division. Keep talking haters.

Then those Dirty Birds came back. Damn peckers almost got us...but lucky 13 smiled our way.

Now they're saying that were falling apart more yet we have one of the best offensives period. Keep on believing that we're going to crack the levees and you might drown in denial.

So here come the Cowboys and the golden boy Tony Romo. The one who broke Jessica's heart and her scale. Once again, the talking heads are talking defeat....

Have you ever wondered if dreams come true? We'll know by January 3rd....

WHO DAT!

Lovely :)

And I want to live in my dream part 2

Well, a few months ago, I started a blog about Jay and mine's relationship. For you who may have forgotten since it's been a while and you don't want to re-read the first one, I'm black and Jay is white and there has been some things that have shaped and affected our relationship.

Well now that Jay is home, the stares have come back. Its almost 2010 people. Almost 50 years after the Civil Rights Era, people still cannot get over the fact that people can cross racial borders and find love.

However, since moving home, I have learned something. When I first came home, there were many Latinos who moved here to find work in the rebuilding process. Some have a big ass problem with them coming here but I was like this: If they want to do it and you want to sit on your ass, shut up bitch.

Well, as they started living here, they started to become more involved with the NOLA society and with its people. Now three years later, there are more Latino/Black, Latino/White and Latino/Asian couples walking around. As I see them, I smile yet I see those same people who looked at Jay and me with stupid dirty looks. I hear them mumble: Is he/she from here? (meaning if they are illegals), I wonder if they speak Spanish to insult people cause people don't know what they are saying?, I wonder how many people live in their homes?

Stupid shit that makes me wonder what's going on in their lives that makes them comfy to judge others? What makes them feel that their way is the right way? Then it hit me: These people are unhappy. There is something missing in these people's lives and they are trying to fill it with hate and ignorance. Their hearts are hurting and instead of embracing love for themselves, they decide to hate on others and their happiness.

So what can we do to live in our dreamworlds? Easy, just love and be in love. Love your life, love your happiness and love your special someone. Be in love with love and all that it can build and fulfill.

Til next time,

Lovely :)

Guess who's back?!

Well, well, well. It's been almost a year since I've typed anything that isn't school related. I know I have been gone for a minute but a lot has changed...a lot. Well, let's get to it shall we.

Well first things first...JAY IS HOME!!! Yes, nine almost ten months ago, Jay got into some bad financial problems and things were getting worse by the minute. So at 6:00 AM on a Friday morning, I hopped on a Greyhound straight to Houston. Seven hours of boredom and half sleep filled my day.

After landing there, my BFF Rena drove me to a U-Haul place and I rented a truck and drove to other side of Houston. When I got there, Jay was packing everything he could salvage and we loaded up to leave. After a seven hour ride, my phone died so we bought a charger cause no one knew if I was ok. (In another post, I will give you the story of the bus ride. Two words: Hot Mess)
After loading up everything, I realized three things: A. It was the end of February and it was hot as hell, B. I was running on maybe three hours of sleep and C. Jay had a lot of shit to say he lived alone.

So we left, mind you like I said in the last paragraph, I was only running on three hours of sleep and Jay license had expired, I had to drive home.

I was okay for a while. We talked and it kept me up for a while. However, Texas has a lot of long, skinny and winding roads when its after midnight. After a while, things started looking like a blur and before I knew it, I was driving on two wheels! I had ran into a winding curb and drove sideways for like five minutes. Then all of a sudden, I felt a hand guiding my hands and the road didn't seem so dark. I got back on the road safely and drove to the Louisiana border where I started to fall asleep again so Jay and I went to a hotel. I don't remember much after that cause I fell straight to sleep but I kept wondering how that dark road I almost flipped over on became so much brighter.

I when I woke up the next morning, I dreaded looking at the truck thinking it was damaged from us almost running off the road. Alas, there was no marks on it! It was like nothing happened. Pleased that ordeal was over, we headed home.

Now, coming was pretty hard for Jay to do. In Houston, he had his own apartment, a good job and was content. Now he was coming home to live with me and my mom in this tiny ass apartment. Moving his stuff and my stuff couldn't flow so we put some of his stuff in storage.

Well, as much as I was glad to see him come home, Jay and I hit a few bumps. Fuck it, we hit a lot of them. Now I know relationships get rocky but it was to the point we were screaming at each other. We had lost the communication we had built our relationship on years ago. Things were different now. I had a heavy load at school and he tried his best looking for a job since his old one couldn't find him a place here. So for seven months, Jay tried his best to get a job but it didn't work out well. He ended losing all of his stuff in storage cause he couldn't keep up with the payments.

This is also when I noticed some things. Not big things but shit that makes you think. Well first of all, we looked at life differently. He mourns silently while I'm a blubbering mess. I stress out a lot yet if he is, he rarely shows it. That and two independent people can clash over simple things. I yell at him for not picking up a towel and he yells at me for not eating and not taking my meds. Its nothing to break up over but it makes you think.

Secondly, we had our own different worlds yet we didn't fuse them together. While he talked to his friends online, I was chatting it up with mine but in my mind, I just thought he didn't want to be part of this family or our relationship was fading.

Well it came to blows Thanksgiving evening and I thought this may be the end of what I thought was a fairy tale relationship. However, for the first time since he has been here, we finally got to say things and found out we wanted the same thing, just in a different matter.

Things got better after that, Jay found a job and we are talking more. My shrink wants us to go to counseling but neither one of us can afford it now so we try to talk out things but I think we will try counseling soon.

So I am at 5AM and not a bit sleepy. Jay has to be to work for 8 and I have a final on Sunday morning (who the hell made this testing schedule will hear it from me in a nice comforting letter). Last week, I was up for 34 hours. Why? I don't have the slightest idea. This semester has killed me. I found some gray hairs that weren't there when I started this school term. However, that's for another post to rant about that.

He's snoring so I guess that means I should try to get at least two hours in. I'm just glad to have him back.

See you guys in my next post :)

Lovely

And I want to live in my dream

*waves* I know, I know. You're probably thinking: "Where that heffa at?" LOL. Well after Chistmas and concussions also New Years and nose bleeds, 2008 ended kinda weird.



Well, with that said, lets continue to todays post.



"There would be no black and white, the world just treat my wife right. We could walk down in Mississipi and no one would look at us twice."- Dreamworld by Robin Thicke



I finally had the chance to listen to my new Robin Thicke CD. If you dont know who he is, google his name and listen to a bit of the music. He's beautiful and has a beautiful voice. :)



Well while flipping through the songs, I stumbled into Dreamworld, a truthful song about wanting something that most dont think is possible. I sat and listened to it at least three times. What he said in this song make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

The song basically expresses, quote above also, his wanting to live in a world where life can be lived and there wouldnt be any problems, no racism or shame.

So this entry will be about my and Jay's relationship...an interracial relationship.

Now, now. Some of y'all are thinking: "So what? There are many of those around so what makes this blog any different?" Honestly, ever since I've been reading this entry for a while and I'm still deciding what I should say.

Well, everyone knows how Jay and I met and how we got to this, however, theres so much to it then just being in a relationship.

I knew when Jay's family found out about us, shit would hit the fan. Here's this girl they didnt know about and the cherry on top is she's not one of us. There were times I knew they wanted him to break up with me but my beloved has this "I dont give a fuck about you think" chip implanted in his brain.

I have to admit, when we first started dating. there was this little voice inside my head (not the regular residents that live in my brain. just a guest.) saying it wont work. Saying that he doesnt really love you, its just a fling. He's just doing something to piss off his family. However, my fears were taking the best of me and I almost broke it off a few times. Once, I was so depressed from my fears of this relationship, I had a minor breakdown.

I started slowly to face my fears and they began to go away but in someway as always, something brought them back.

At one time, Jay and I were discussing marriage was I was helping my cousin pick out her invites. As we were talking this, I had to ask. I had to ask him how would his people re-act to us getting married. First there was this pause and that was one of the longest pauses I've ever been apart of. Then, he just smiled and said "Fuck 'em."

It seems that once Jay and I because closer, the more drama would start. First, it was the stares, then the judging and the best part, trying to talk to the couple into dating their own race again. If I can get a quarter everytime I heard something like: "Why are you with him?" "What can he do for you?" "What are ya'll going to do when ya'll have kids?", I would be chillin at Bill Gates's house cooking gumbo with his wife.

Well, I gotta cut this short. My eyelids are fluttering. Please come back for part 2

Broken mirrors

Ever had a dream that woke you up but had a real feeling to it? A few weeks ago on one of those days when I didnt go to sleep until 6 AM, I drifted into a sleep that felt different.

As I felt my body relaxing, I heard a small voice. It was calling my name. I tried to ignore it but it kept calling my name. All of a sudden, I felt a jolt in my body. It felt like my body was changing but I couldnt control it. I opened up my eyes and I saw three people in front of me. First one was me. Well actually, the younger me. I was abused mentally and physcially and I saw the scars of my young life. Second, I saw the teenage/ early 20's me. She was rebellious yet easily hurt. She let things get the best of her and fell in love with the guy that was kind to her. Then I saw the me of now and the future. She was poised and sure. However, she had something missing.

They stepped towards me and I stepped back. "What do you want of me?" I asked. "We want you to chose." the second image said. "You have to decide which one of us you want to define you as a person."

The first one looked at me and said: "Choose me because I was with you when they hurt you. I kept you safe when you hid in the closets. You can never deny me."

The second one said:"Choose me because you felt free with me. You didnt have to answer to no one but yourself. Even when you decided to try take your own life, you did it on your own and there was no one to stop you. You can never deny me."

The third one said:"Choose me because I am the one who led you to true love and happiness. You will have many beautiful days with me. You will be the person of your dreams. You can never deny me."

Here I was, standing in front of the person I was, I am and what I will become. They all made good points but for all the wrong reasons. In all of them was a bit of my selfishness. They possesed what I tried to deny. I couldnt do anything but look at them.

So I grabbed the future me and said:"I choose you because you are what I want to become."

I grabbed my second image and said:"I choose you because you are the independent part of me.
You have given me the choice to follow my dreams."

Lastly, I grabbed my younger self and said:"You are the strength that built from my pain. You taught me that I could conquer anything."

Then, mirrors appeared and they shattered.

I woke up suddenly feeling the same jolt in my chest. I looked into the dresser mirror and saw just one me but I knew that theres more to me than I ever dreamed of.

A time to live and a time to die

As you remember in my very first post, I said that I would talk about personal loss. Well, a certain death has touched my heart.

After Katrina, my gradfather suffered two strokes a week within a week. That along with his alzheimer's condition, it rendered him weak without his ability to speak, eat and clean and dress himself. So we were told that a nursing home would was the only way to give him proper care.

One day, while waiting for the nurses to finish dressing him for dinner. I met a lady named Ruby. Ruby Johnson was a classy lady whose body was weakened by a stroke. The first day we met, she told me about the first time her grandkids came to see her and how nervous they were just like me. We talked for a bit and I made my visit and left.

As time went on, I found myself visiting her after visiting grandpa. We would talk about my classes and she would tell me about putting her daughter and son through school by working two jobs and helping them keep their grades up to help them get grants to help her out. She was proud to meet a black student at Tulane.

As we became closer, I started cooking extra Sunday dinner so I could bring it to her because the nursing home was hella horrible. We would sit in her room (cause she didnt want anyone to ask her for something) and watch tv. She had pretty pictures of her kids and grandkids on her walls and books on her nightstand next to her television where she watched Riffleman everyday like clockwork.

Since my grandpa's body is weakening and his condition will never improve, mama and I have tried to prepare for his passing. We dont know when but we have tried to have everything done for that day.

Well, the day after the election, I went to the nursing home and I found Ruby talking to my grandmother who made her visit like clockwork from noon to four. They sat me down and told me stories of how life was when they were my age. The "no colored" signs and sitting at the back of the bus and the police dogs attacking them and their friends.

Well for two hours, I heard her talk about how its important it is for my generation to change the world and follow the words of Martin Luther King to unite this country.

Well, on my visit Monday, I went to see gramps but he was asleep. I noticed something was missing. The Guilding Light was on but Miss Ruby wasnt in her regular spot. So while looking for her, gramps nurse pulled me over and told me thruth: Miss Ruby died of a heart attack in her sleep Friday night. My heart dropped. I couldnt cry because it didnt hit me until I looked in her room and saw that all of her pictures and books where gone but the television was showing Riffleman.

I thought I was ready to use my prepared sense of knowing what to do but that didnt work at all. I felt that loss and the plans flew out of the window. So is the preparation of death worth the planing that it takes or does the loss of life a way that you have to work on your feet and your check your feelings? In this case, the death was so sudden so the plans went for naught.

I will miss you Miss Ruby. You were a class all your own.

Far away for far too long

Hi! *waves* Today I thought I would give you a bit of my life by talking about something thats a huge part of my life.

Well, being from New Orleans, me and many others lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. I dont have to go into details especially since mostly everyone has seen the damage that has been done to my city. We were scattered all over the country not knowing who was where or if this person was alive or floating in the water.

My escape landing from the storm was Houston. After almost 20 hours of driving, we were tired and hoping this visit wouldnt last long. Well, as the story goes, levees broke and everything was gone.

Searching for loved ones became a chore. Attached to phones and laptops hoping to see if they can find their new whereabouts and ways to contact them. Well after finding most of my friends and family (thank God) I received a call from someone that was one the most important people in my life, my best friend/boyfriend Jay. He and his friend at the last minute made a bee line to Virginia and was safe.

After many discussions and a lot of planing, Jay moved to Houston. I was so excited to see him again. He was one of the first people that I found safe. When he jumped off the bus, I grabbed him and cried my eyes out.

So here we were picking up where we left off. The long nights talking, watching ball games and just being in each others company and listening to our fears of returning home.

As time went on, I found myself revealing more and more to him and giving him my all just to be next to him. He had become my rock when I felt like crying in dark or questioned God's actions for what happend to us.

The feelings that were growing between us had become so strong that I didnt want them to end. Here he was my best friend since ninth grade and now we are looking into each others eyes falling in love with each other more and more everyday.

But as time went by, my homesickness got worse. There were times I just wanted to eat and stay in bed. Houston was huge and hella confusing but it was no New Orleans. So after praying and planing, my family and I decided to move back home. It was a hard decision. We knew that the home we remembered was long gone and this would be a hard way to recover what we lost.

Before I moved back, Jay and I has a huge fight. It was an all out hard fight. When I look back at it, I dont even remember what the hell we were fighting about. So I went home without saying good bye face to face, just his key with a letter attached to it saying that I was leaving.

Well, as time went by, I missed him. I really needed him here with me. There were times I would sit in my FEMA trailer (aka the toxic tuna can) and think of him. What he was doing, was he happy or was he with someone else that made happy. After a long talk with myself (trust me, if want to figure something out, talk to yourself. just dont get caught) I decided to call him.

The rings were making my chest hurt. Should I hang up or should I just wait. Well, after debating, I waited for him to answer. When he answered, my voice cracked. All I heard was "Hello".

After my heart went back into its proper place, we talked and talked. It was like old times. Its like we never stopped talking to each other. Then, as we said goodbye, the words that I had been waiting for since we met: "I love you Lovely. I always have and I always will."

Well, I wanted to hear it but it to actually hear it said to you gave me chills.

So, two years and a lot of conversations later, we are still going strong. We talk everyday and everything is cool except...

He still lives in Houston. Thats 362.7 (thats right, I counted) miles. Six hours and 15 minutes (if you get caught in traffic) of driving. Countless songs on my MP3 player.

I try my best to see him but with his job and my classes, we arent able to do this. So what do we do to keep up our relationship? Lots of text messages, nightly phone calls and something a skype call just to see how we look since the last time we saw each other.

Granted I love the way we love each other but it gets lonely. I miss his embracing and the way he put his fingers through my hair and this silly thing he does with my nose (i dont know what the hell he's doing but it makes me giggle everytime). Those times I cherish and keep in my heart until we see each other again.

What happens next is actually up to fate. I wont be done with school until 2010 so I am basically staying here and finding an internship that will boost me up into my dream. We both know that our dreams are important and we want to aim higher so we can have the kind of life we have always dreamed of.

So until we meet again my love, I will see you in my dreams.