Ever had a dream that woke you up but had a real feeling to it? A few weeks ago on one of those days when I didnt go to sleep until 6 AM, I drifted into a sleep that felt different.
As I felt my body relaxing, I heard a small voice. It was calling my name. I tried to ignore it but it kept calling my name. All of a sudden, I felt a jolt in my body. It felt like my body was changing but I couldnt control it. I opened up my eyes and I saw three people in front of me. First one was me. Well actually, the younger me. I was abused mentally and physcially and I saw the scars of my young life. Second, I saw the teenage/ early 20's me. She was rebellious yet easily hurt. She let things get the best of her and fell in love with the guy that was kind to her. Then I saw the me of now and the future. She was poised and sure. However, she had something missing.
They stepped towards me and I stepped back. "What do you want of me?" I asked. "We want you to chose." the second image said. "You have to decide which one of us you want to define you as a person."
The first one looked at me and said: "Choose me because I was with you when they hurt you. I kept you safe when you hid in the closets. You can never deny me."
The second one said:"Choose me because you felt free with me. You didnt have to answer to no one but yourself. Even when you decided to try take your own life, you did it on your own and there was no one to stop you. You can never deny me."
The third one said:"Choose me because I am the one who led you to true love and happiness. You will have many beautiful days with me. You will be the person of your dreams. You can never deny me."
Here I was, standing in front of the person I was, I am and what I will become. They all made good points but for all the wrong reasons. In all of them was a bit of my selfishness. They possesed what I tried to deny. I couldnt do anything but look at them.
So I grabbed the future me and said:"I choose you because you are what I want to become."
I grabbed my second image and said:"I choose you because you are the independent part of me.
You have given me the choice to follow my dreams."
Lastly, I grabbed my younger self and said:"You are the strength that built from my pain. You taught me that I could conquer anything."
Then, mirrors appeared and they shattered.
I woke up suddenly feeling the same jolt in my chest. I looked into the dresser mirror and saw just one me but I knew that theres more to me than I ever dreamed of.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
A time to live and a time to die
As you remember in my very first post, I said that I would talk about personal loss. Well, a certain death has touched my heart.
After Katrina, my gradfather suffered two strokes a week within a week. That along with his alzheimer's condition, it rendered him weak without his ability to speak, eat and clean and dress himself. So we were told that a nursing home would was the only way to give him proper care.
One day, while waiting for the nurses to finish dressing him for dinner. I met a lady named Ruby. Ruby Johnson was a classy lady whose body was weakened by a stroke. The first day we met, she told me about the first time her grandkids came to see her and how nervous they were just like me. We talked for a bit and I made my visit and left.
As time went on, I found myself visiting her after visiting grandpa. We would talk about my classes and she would tell me about putting her daughter and son through school by working two jobs and helping them keep their grades up to help them get grants to help her out. She was proud to meet a black student at Tulane.
As we became closer, I started cooking extra Sunday dinner so I could bring it to her because the nursing home was hella horrible. We would sit in her room (cause she didnt want anyone to ask her for something) and watch tv. She had pretty pictures of her kids and grandkids on her walls and books on her nightstand next to her television where she watched Riffleman everyday like clockwork.
Since my grandpa's body is weakening and his condition will never improve, mama and I have tried to prepare for his passing. We dont know when but we have tried to have everything done for that day.
Well, the day after the election, I went to the nursing home and I found Ruby talking to my grandmother who made her visit like clockwork from noon to four. They sat me down and told me stories of how life was when they were my age. The "no colored" signs and sitting at the back of the bus and the police dogs attacking them and their friends.
Well for two hours, I heard her talk about how its important it is for my generation to change the world and follow the words of Martin Luther King to unite this country.
Well, on my visit Monday, I went to see gramps but he was asleep. I noticed something was missing. The Guilding Light was on but Miss Ruby wasnt in her regular spot. So while looking for her, gramps nurse pulled me over and told me thruth: Miss Ruby died of a heart attack in her sleep Friday night. My heart dropped. I couldnt cry because it didnt hit me until I looked in her room and saw that all of her pictures and books where gone but the television was showing Riffleman.
I thought I was ready to use my prepared sense of knowing what to do but that didnt work at all. I felt that loss and the plans flew out of the window. So is the preparation of death worth the planing that it takes or does the loss of life a way that you have to work on your feet and your check your feelings? In this case, the death was so sudden so the plans went for naught.
I will miss you Miss Ruby. You were a class all your own.
After Katrina, my gradfather suffered two strokes a week within a week. That along with his alzheimer's condition, it rendered him weak without his ability to speak, eat and clean and dress himself. So we were told that a nursing home would was the only way to give him proper care.
One day, while waiting for the nurses to finish dressing him for dinner. I met a lady named Ruby. Ruby Johnson was a classy lady whose body was weakened by a stroke. The first day we met, she told me about the first time her grandkids came to see her and how nervous they were just like me. We talked for a bit and I made my visit and left.
As time went on, I found myself visiting her after visiting grandpa. We would talk about my classes and she would tell me about putting her daughter and son through school by working two jobs and helping them keep their grades up to help them get grants to help her out. She was proud to meet a black student at Tulane.
As we became closer, I started cooking extra Sunday dinner so I could bring it to her because the nursing home was hella horrible. We would sit in her room (cause she didnt want anyone to ask her for something) and watch tv. She had pretty pictures of her kids and grandkids on her walls and books on her nightstand next to her television where she watched Riffleman everyday like clockwork.
Since my grandpa's body is weakening and his condition will never improve, mama and I have tried to prepare for his passing. We dont know when but we have tried to have everything done for that day.
Well, the day after the election, I went to the nursing home and I found Ruby talking to my grandmother who made her visit like clockwork from noon to four. They sat me down and told me stories of how life was when they were my age. The "no colored" signs and sitting at the back of the bus and the police dogs attacking them and their friends.
Well for two hours, I heard her talk about how its important it is for my generation to change the world and follow the words of Martin Luther King to unite this country.
Well, on my visit Monday, I went to see gramps but he was asleep. I noticed something was missing. The Guilding Light was on but Miss Ruby wasnt in her regular spot. So while looking for her, gramps nurse pulled me over and told me thruth: Miss Ruby died of a heart attack in her sleep Friday night. My heart dropped. I couldnt cry because it didnt hit me until I looked in her room and saw that all of her pictures and books where gone but the television was showing Riffleman.
I thought I was ready to use my prepared sense of knowing what to do but that didnt work at all. I felt that loss and the plans flew out of the window. So is the preparation of death worth the planing that it takes or does the loss of life a way that you have to work on your feet and your check your feelings? In this case, the death was so sudden so the plans went for naught.
I will miss you Miss Ruby. You were a class all your own.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Far away for far too long
Hi! *waves* Today I thought I would give you a bit of my life by talking about something thats a huge part of my life.
Well, being from New Orleans, me and many others lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. I dont have to go into details especially since mostly everyone has seen the damage that has been done to my city. We were scattered all over the country not knowing who was where or if this person was alive or floating in the water.
My escape landing from the storm was Houston. After almost 20 hours of driving, we were tired and hoping this visit wouldnt last long. Well, as the story goes, levees broke and everything was gone.
Searching for loved ones became a chore. Attached to phones and laptops hoping to see if they can find their new whereabouts and ways to contact them. Well after finding most of my friends and family (thank God) I received a call from someone that was one the most important people in my life, my best friend/boyfriend Jay. He and his friend at the last minute made a bee line to Virginia and was safe.
After many discussions and a lot of planing, Jay moved to Houston. I was so excited to see him again. He was one of the first people that I found safe. When he jumped off the bus, I grabbed him and cried my eyes out.
So here we were picking up where we left off. The long nights talking, watching ball games and just being in each others company and listening to our fears of returning home.
As time went on, I found myself revealing more and more to him and giving him my all just to be next to him. He had become my rock when I felt like crying in dark or questioned God's actions for what happend to us.
The feelings that were growing between us had become so strong that I didnt want them to end. Here he was my best friend since ninth grade and now we are looking into each others eyes falling in love with each other more and more everyday.
But as time went by, my homesickness got worse. There were times I just wanted to eat and stay in bed. Houston was huge and hella confusing but it was no New Orleans. So after praying and planing, my family and I decided to move back home. It was a hard decision. We knew that the home we remembered was long gone and this would be a hard way to recover what we lost.
Before I moved back, Jay and I has a huge fight. It was an all out hard fight. When I look back at it, I dont even remember what the hell we were fighting about. So I went home without saying good bye face to face, just his key with a letter attached to it saying that I was leaving.
Well, as time went by, I missed him. I really needed him here with me. There were times I would sit in my FEMA trailer (aka the toxic tuna can) and think of him. What he was doing, was he happy or was he with someone else that made happy. After a long talk with myself (trust me, if want to figure something out, talk to yourself. just dont get caught) I decided to call him.
The rings were making my chest hurt. Should I hang up or should I just wait. Well, after debating, I waited for him to answer. When he answered, my voice cracked. All I heard was "Hello".
After my heart went back into its proper place, we talked and talked. It was like old times. Its like we never stopped talking to each other. Then, as we said goodbye, the words that I had been waiting for since we met: "I love you Lovely. I always have and I always will."
Well, I wanted to hear it but it to actually hear it said to you gave me chills.
So, two years and a lot of conversations later, we are still going strong. We talk everyday and everything is cool except...
He still lives in Houston. Thats 362.7 (thats right, I counted) miles. Six hours and 15 minutes (if you get caught in traffic) of driving. Countless songs on my MP3 player.
I try my best to see him but with his job and my classes, we arent able to do this. So what do we do to keep up our relationship? Lots of text messages, nightly phone calls and something a skype call just to see how we look since the last time we saw each other.
Granted I love the way we love each other but it gets lonely. I miss his embracing and the way he put his fingers through my hair and this silly thing he does with my nose (i dont know what the hell he's doing but it makes me giggle everytime). Those times I cherish and keep in my heart until we see each other again.
What happens next is actually up to fate. I wont be done with school until 2010 so I am basically staying here and finding an internship that will boost me up into my dream. We both know that our dreams are important and we want to aim higher so we can have the kind of life we have always dreamed of.
So until we meet again my love, I will see you in my dreams.
Well, being from New Orleans, me and many others lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. I dont have to go into details especially since mostly everyone has seen the damage that has been done to my city. We were scattered all over the country not knowing who was where or if this person was alive or floating in the water.
My escape landing from the storm was Houston. After almost 20 hours of driving, we were tired and hoping this visit wouldnt last long. Well, as the story goes, levees broke and everything was gone.
Searching for loved ones became a chore. Attached to phones and laptops hoping to see if they can find their new whereabouts and ways to contact them. Well after finding most of my friends and family (thank God) I received a call from someone that was one the most important people in my life, my best friend/boyfriend Jay. He and his friend at the last minute made a bee line to Virginia and was safe.
After many discussions and a lot of planing, Jay moved to Houston. I was so excited to see him again. He was one of the first people that I found safe. When he jumped off the bus, I grabbed him and cried my eyes out.
So here we were picking up where we left off. The long nights talking, watching ball games and just being in each others company and listening to our fears of returning home.
As time went on, I found myself revealing more and more to him and giving him my all just to be next to him. He had become my rock when I felt like crying in dark or questioned God's actions for what happend to us.
The feelings that were growing between us had become so strong that I didnt want them to end. Here he was my best friend since ninth grade and now we are looking into each others eyes falling in love with each other more and more everyday.
But as time went by, my homesickness got worse. There were times I just wanted to eat and stay in bed. Houston was huge and hella confusing but it was no New Orleans. So after praying and planing, my family and I decided to move back home. It was a hard decision. We knew that the home we remembered was long gone and this would be a hard way to recover what we lost.
Before I moved back, Jay and I has a huge fight. It was an all out hard fight. When I look back at it, I dont even remember what the hell we were fighting about. So I went home without saying good bye face to face, just his key with a letter attached to it saying that I was leaving.
Well, as time went by, I missed him. I really needed him here with me. There were times I would sit in my FEMA trailer (aka the toxic tuna can) and think of him. What he was doing, was he happy or was he with someone else that made happy. After a long talk with myself (trust me, if want to figure something out, talk to yourself. just dont get caught) I decided to call him.
The rings were making my chest hurt. Should I hang up or should I just wait. Well, after debating, I waited for him to answer. When he answered, my voice cracked. All I heard was "Hello".
After my heart went back into its proper place, we talked and talked. It was like old times. Its like we never stopped talking to each other. Then, as we said goodbye, the words that I had been waiting for since we met: "I love you Lovely. I always have and I always will."
Well, I wanted to hear it but it to actually hear it said to you gave me chills.
So, two years and a lot of conversations later, we are still going strong. We talk everyday and everything is cool except...
He still lives in Houston. Thats 362.7 (thats right, I counted) miles. Six hours and 15 minutes (if you get caught in traffic) of driving. Countless songs on my MP3 player.
I try my best to see him but with his job and my classes, we arent able to do this. So what do we do to keep up our relationship? Lots of text messages, nightly phone calls and something a skype call just to see how we look since the last time we saw each other.
Granted I love the way we love each other but it gets lonely. I miss his embracing and the way he put his fingers through my hair and this silly thing he does with my nose (i dont know what the hell he's doing but it makes me giggle everytime). Those times I cherish and keep in my heart until we see each other again.
What happens next is actually up to fate. I wont be done with school until 2010 so I am basically staying here and finding an internship that will boost me up into my dream. We both know that our dreams are important and we want to aim higher so we can have the kind of life we have always dreamed of.
So until we meet again my love, I will see you in my dreams.
Greetings :)
Hi. My name is Lovely. After reading some of my friends blogs, I decided to have one of my own. As time goes by, I will bare my soul and sometimes my humor to give you a small peep.
You will read subjects such as interracial relationships, mental illness, personal loss and sometimes radom shit.
Will be writing soon,
Lovely ;)
You will read subjects such as interracial relationships, mental illness, personal loss and sometimes radom shit.
Will be writing soon,
Lovely ;)
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