When depression hurts...

In earlier blogs, I have discussed my issues with my bouts of depression. It is not as easy to get rid of as the commercials make it out to be: Take a pill and everything will be better. It is a disease that carries on and without help, it can devour your very being.

For the past few months, I have been in an ongoing battle with it. There are days all I want to do is stay in my bed and let the pain take over. Then there are others when I want to do something but co out at the end. I see what this disease has done to my relationships with my family, friends and with Jay. My mother gets upset that I do not see myself the way she does, my friends get mad or hurt when I do not want to go anywhere and with Jay, it has put a strain to where I gave him a chance to leave me for someone "normal" but he is not budging.

There are times I hear "just get up and get it over it". I have tried that only to recoil back into my shell as soon as I get home. Then there is the "I can do anything with____" phase. This is where I do things such as art or music or writing (such as this) to get the juices flowing to get the power to get over the hump but I have a lot of unfinished paintings, songs and spaces between blogs (if you noticed, this is my second blog in over nine months). I even started a story on myspace (feel free to laugh...I will give you a few seconds) and that is still incomplete.

I guess I might as start from the beginning. I guess it all started right after graduation. My structure for college life was over and I was to start anew. Though I enjoyed my vacations and parties, deep down, something was bothering me. I went to my therapy sessions and opened up to my doctor but I still had a lingering feeling inside. Sometimes I would wait for everyone to go to bed just to cry. Not a big boo hoo, but to release the tension that was building inside of me.

Then I started to exercise and play on my Wii with Jay to start having fun. Though I was sore at the end and I felt a little relief, there were nights I could not sleep or had panic attacks. So that went out the window fast but I keep trying.

So what is left to do? Well, I have tried everything and I have realized that this disease is a slow ongoing process. I will have my bad days and I have accepted that but I will try my best to enjoy the good days a little bit more. When will this depression go away? I have no idea but until then, I will wake up every morning trying to better myself and my future.