My life as the fat girl

Ever wonder what you were put on the Earth for? World peace? To fix the money problems of the common person? I was always told that everyone had a purpose in life and they should take their purpose seriously.

However, can a person be put on this Earth just because? Ok, I know you are confused so let me explain....

Ever since I was nine, I've been fat. I have heard all of the fat jokes you can make up in your head and seen the pictures that are supposed to make me feel that my life is worthless because of it. I have seen the commercials that say that fat is ugly and no one loves you. At first, they used to upset me to the point that I would put things over my mirrors so I would not see myself. I started to take things that would make me go to the bathroom right after meals and throwing up after everyone went to sleep. However, I got really sick and had to stop. So I started eating once a day. I would pretend to be full around my friends and family when I was really hungry as a mofo. This worked about three months until one night I was so hungry, I got out of my bed and went to the store to buy a bag of chips and scarfed it in like 2.5 seconds.

As I grew older, I noticed the way fat people were treated. In shows and movies, they would be the comic relief or the dimwit who would do things for food. Like that movie Precious where the girl steals a bucket of chicken and hides in the corner and eats it. That is what most people think fat girls do instead of dating. I was asked that once. It was like: "Have you ever stolen food cause you were hungry?" and I got mad and asked "Do you steal makeup to conceal your ugly face?" The stereotypes I have heard have made laugh, cry and think. Am I predisposed to these things because of the way I look? If I am, I am screwed.

I have heard the "Then lose weight" speech. For what its worth, I have lost weight but I'm still fat. I've lost 39 pounds but there is not any real change. I still shop in the Plus department and there are still somethings I would not be caught dead in. Some designers have stepped up their Plus Size game and I have some nice clothes. However, it used to hurt to go shopping with smaller friends. They would go to 21 while I went to Lane Bryant (for what its worth, 21 has a new Plus department Faith 21 which looks very nice). They would come out with cute clothes that showed off their curves whilst I was hidden in clothes to hide my bumps.

Then there was the social scene. While I was a fun dance partner for maybe one or two dances, there were times I sat on the sidelines holding drinks and purses. My friends would rack up the numbers while I was making my way to the bar.

Don't get me wrong, I have dated but when I was in my single life, blind dates were hell. I remember once I was asked out by a guy for dinner. I put on my best but when I got there, I could see the look on his face. We talked for about 10 minutes when all of a sudden, he had an emergency and left. I spent the rest of the night walking down Royal Street looking at art.

So what about college? Well school has been an experience I have grown from. I have noticed that there are many like me. We are beings who are floating in and out of campus sometimes with people but mostly alone. We have our on fashions and we love who we are.

So what about friends? Well friends are a very tricky thing, even if you are thin. Most of the friends are true but there are those who use fat girls as an "enhancement". To define this action, I will give you an example. I had a friend once. Very pretty, nice (Or I thought she was) and thin. We would hang out at times yet she had this knack to call on me when I guy was coming over. I thought she was just trying to play the shy role when in fact, she was giving the guy the message to talk to her instead of me. It was her way to enhance her chances of being noticed. I finally caught on to it and stopped talking to her. It was a lesson I had learned. Sometimes, I was asked to go out on dinner dates with a promise that I wouldn't be the fifth wheel and usually, I was sitting while others danced and laughed with their dates.

So what was I put on this Earth for? Maybe I was put here as window dressing for someone to enhance their beauty? Or to be an excuse for someone to make jokes about? Or maybe I was here to help the Spanx company make good money (by the way, Spanx are sent from God to my waist)?................

Or was I put here to make fat acceptable? Maybe I am supposed to be this way. Maybe I'm supposed to be the shape I am to put pride and beauty in these situations. There were nights I would look at others ans want to be like them but what's so good about them? Maybe I am here to just to be admired by someone when I walk down the street..............

Maybe I was put on this Earth just to be free.

Will I ever...

i have this empty feeling inside of me.

when i breathe i feel my soul escaping

like its wanting to leave to find better pastures

i have this empty feeling inside heart

when i try to speak i hear no words

like the wind has silenced me

i have this empty part in my soul

that tries to fill itself

Just a brief thought

We are told as we are growing up that dreams are something that changes through time. Our dreams are what keep us motivated and they are one of the constant things that stay with us. I know for myself, my dream was always to be a writer. To inform the world of the things going wrong and right around them was always a thing for me.

Now, that I am a writer, I see how my dreams are still not complete. I still have a dream to reach the top of the writing world and to become a well known and respected reporter that people can trust. If we were to stop at the general part of our dreams, we will never see the full aura of what we can do.

Our dreams are our souls showing us what we can become if we hard or what can happen if dont. There are people who try to decipher what our dreams mean into a general notion. However, dreams are like snowflakes, no two dreams are alike. What you may see as a good thing, I may see as a horrible vision.

Who are we without our dreams? I met a guy once who told me he doesnt dream or he doesnt remember what he dreamt about. In order to do that, we would have to practice submissing our true feelings, in my opinion. We are given dreams by a higher power and we are given a choice on what to do when we wake up.............

Are you following your dreams...........................................................

Still on My Brain

This is dedicated to all those who arent opening their hearts but know something beautiful when they see it.

When we met,

I wasnt expecting to feel anything

I was just looking for someone to talk to

But when our eyes met, I was taken aback

I saw my soul's reflection

So I let myself go

When we kissed

I started to feel my guard fall

But I couldnt let myself fall for you

So here I am

Thinking of you

Knowing that loving you is something I can not do

For my heart is locked

And thats where it will stay

No matter how beautiful you are

I cant see you that way

However dear friend

Until we meet again

I will think of your smile

And I will bask in our memory

If only for a while

Sorry, this isnt my best work. However, I just had to get that off my chest

Thats just too bad

Hello all..........here's a little something for all of you daters out there.

When you know your date is going bad....

1. When your date is supposed to arrive at 7.....but doesnt show until 8:30

2. When you hop into their car to find other people you dont know in there already

3. When you open the door in one of your best outfits and they say nothing

4. When another person has to complement your outfit in order for them to say anything.

5. When walking together, the space between you two is so far, people can walk between you.

6. When you are talking to them and they seem totally uninterested

7. When you have a better convo with the strangers you found in the car

This is just the tip of the iceberg........I am welcoming all to add to this list. Dig deep and post what you think is a sign of a date gone bad.

The following entry is for mature readers only. If you are a tightass, easily offended or your feelings get hurt alot, please dont read this. However, if you decide to read it and you get mad, I got a few words for you: Fuck off and die.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, lets begin shall we.

I came into this world in a military materity ward in New Orleans born to an officer but not a gentleman and a wandering soul looking for a place to have peace in their heart.

As I grew up, my life was a rollercoster ride. I grew up not trusting anyone and learned that everyone out there are only out there just to hurt you...

So understand to writer, you have to understand the inside of the writer. The writer's heart is what makes the writer write the way that they do.

Without further ado, I am............

A father deserted child

Abused mentally, physically and emotionally

A gifted soul with a tortured heart

A body with hidden bruises

Teased by peers

Pressured by educators

A wild writer who needed to be tamed

I began to write my feelings out to express the real me

The words I wrote made readers' hair stand up on the back of their necks

I came out like a gay person finally free to show their true colors

Whatever I said, what I did showed the world who I was

But I don't trust the world

The world loved the words but not the writer

So back into my shell I go

I was told to see someone about my "problems"

My "problem" was bi-polar

If you break those words into two, the mean "twice cold"

Thats how I feel

My heart and soul are twice as cold

I feel no one will understand the essence with is me

I have become the box no one wants to open

The person that everyone sees as a category

Daugther, ghost writer, muse, friend that always listens, the fat friend, the cook, the time filler, rebound girl, the ugly ducking in a lake of swans

Well let me tell you something, theres more in that box

I am country military brat

A project hood rat thats been shot and carries the scar to reminds that I should watch my back at all times

A writer with a sharp mind and tongue

A person with many opinions and I dont give a fuck if you dont like it

Thats right, I said fuck

I am a Army daughter with a mouth like sailor

I smoke, I drink

I am the one who go on a date with you with and become the life of the party.......anywhere

I wear black cause its sexy

And I think garter belts and four inch heels turn you on

I'm a PCC girl and a Southern belle with a Scarlette like attitude when I feel like

Yes I am fat, Fabolous and Thick and I like it that way

My selfesteem may not always be there but look out

When it gets here, you may not be strong enough to handle it

I'm new kind of pin up girl

My body says fuck me and my eyes dare you to try

My legs are yours to wrap around

My lips are yours to do whatever........and I mean whatever you want

I am the fantasy masseuse with oil in hand

Ready to rub out every desire you can ever think of

I am the the one that every moan and groan is dedicated to

For those who dont believe I am all of those

I only have one thing to say: Come try me

I promise I'll be all that and more

And that ladies and gentlemen is what goes on in a writer's mind

Your body is here with me (Another woman's admiration)

You knock on my door

I let you in

You wrap your arms around me

I melt at the smell of you

You share your inner thoughts

I hang on every word

You look deeply into my eyes

I fall into your spell

Here I am

Neo searching for Trinity

Serenity fighting alongside Darrien

Selene praying to find her Endymion

Our souls are crossed in a whirlwind universe

But I read your graceful love letters

I saw the words of love

I felt the passion behind them

I heard the sweet song of the heart

If loving you was a crime

I hang my head

What I can do

But to suppress my heart once again

For you are another one's admiration

You are another one's thought and dream

You are their sun and moon

You are my love......lost too soon