Will I ever...

i have this empty feeling inside of me.

when i breathe i feel my soul escaping

like its wanting to leave to find better pastures

i have this empty feeling inside heart

when i try to speak i hear no words

like the wind has silenced me

i have this empty part in my soul

that tries to fill itself

Just a brief thought

We are told as we are growing up that dreams are something that changes through time. Our dreams are what keep us motivated and they are one of the constant things that stay with us. I know for myself, my dream was always to be a writer. To inform the world of the things going wrong and right around them was always a thing for me.

Now, that I am a writer, I see how my dreams are still not complete. I still have a dream to reach the top of the writing world and to become a well known and respected reporter that people can trust. If we were to stop at the general part of our dreams, we will never see the full aura of what we can do.

Our dreams are our souls showing us what we can become if we hard or what can happen if dont. There are people who try to decipher what our dreams mean into a general notion. However, dreams are like snowflakes, no two dreams are alike. What you may see as a good thing, I may see as a horrible vision.

Who are we without our dreams? I met a guy once who told me he doesnt dream or he doesnt remember what he dreamt about. In order to do that, we would have to practice submissing our true feelings, in my opinion. We are given dreams by a higher power and we are given a choice on what to do when we wake up.............

Are you following your dreams...........................................................

Still on My Brain

This is dedicated to all those who arent opening their hearts but know something beautiful when they see it.

When we met,

I wasnt expecting to feel anything

I was just looking for someone to talk to

But when our eyes met, I was taken aback

I saw my soul's reflection

So I let myself go

When we kissed

I started to feel my guard fall

But I couldnt let myself fall for you

So here I am

Thinking of you

Knowing that loving you is something I can not do

For my heart is locked

And thats where it will stay

No matter how beautiful you are

I cant see you that way

However dear friend

Until we meet again

I will think of your smile

And I will bask in our memory

If only for a while

Sorry, this isnt my best work. However, I just had to get that off my chest

Thats just too bad

Hello all..........here's a little something for all of you daters out there.

When you know your date is going bad....

1. When your date is supposed to arrive at 7.....but doesnt show until 8:30

2. When you hop into their car to find other people you dont know in there already

3. When you open the door in one of your best outfits and they say nothing

4. When another person has to complement your outfit in order for them to say anything.

5. When walking together, the space between you two is so far, people can walk between you.

6. When you are talking to them and they seem totally uninterested

7. When you have a better convo with the strangers you found in the car

This is just the tip of the iceberg........I am welcoming all to add to this list. Dig deep and post what you think is a sign of a date gone bad.

The following entry is for mature readers only. If you are a tightass, easily offended or your feelings get hurt alot, please dont read this. However, if you decide to read it and you get mad, I got a few words for you: Fuck off and die.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, lets begin shall we.

I came into this world in a military materity ward in New Orleans born to an officer but not a gentleman and a wandering soul looking for a place to have peace in their heart.

As I grew up, my life was a rollercoster ride. I grew up not trusting anyone and learned that everyone out there are only out there just to hurt you...

So understand to writer, you have to understand the inside of the writer. The writer's heart is what makes the writer write the way that they do.

Without further ado, I am............

A father deserted child

Abused mentally, physically and emotionally

A gifted soul with a tortured heart

A body with hidden bruises

Teased by peers

Pressured by educators

A wild writer who needed to be tamed

I began to write my feelings out to express the real me

The words I wrote made readers' hair stand up on the back of their necks

I came out like a gay person finally free to show their true colors

Whatever I said, what I did showed the world who I was

But I don't trust the world

The world loved the words but not the writer

So back into my shell I go

I was told to see someone about my "problems"

My "problem" was bi-polar

If you break those words into two, the mean "twice cold"

Thats how I feel

My heart and soul are twice as cold

I feel no one will understand the essence with is me

I have become the box no one wants to open

The person that everyone sees as a category

Daugther, ghost writer, muse, friend that always listens, the fat friend, the cook, the time filler, rebound girl, the ugly ducking in a lake of swans

Well let me tell you something, theres more in that box

I am country military brat

A project hood rat thats been shot and carries the scar to reminds that I should watch my back at all times

A writer with a sharp mind and tongue

A person with many opinions and I dont give a fuck if you dont like it

Thats right, I said fuck

I am a Army daughter with a mouth like sailor

I smoke, I drink

I am the one who go on a date with you with and become the life of the party.......anywhere

I wear black cause its sexy

And I think garter belts and four inch heels turn you on

I'm a PCC girl and a Southern belle with a Scarlette like attitude when I feel like

Yes I am fat, Fabolous and Thick and I like it that way

My selfesteem may not always be there but look out

When it gets here, you may not be strong enough to handle it

I'm new kind of pin up girl

My body says fuck me and my eyes dare you to try

My legs are yours to wrap around

My lips are yours to do whatever........and I mean whatever you want

I am the fantasy masseuse with oil in hand

Ready to rub out every desire you can ever think of

I am the the one that every moan and groan is dedicated to

For those who dont believe I am all of those

I only have one thing to say: Come try me

I promise I'll be all that and more

And that ladies and gentlemen is what goes on in a writer's mind

Your body is here with me (Another woman's admiration)

You knock on my door

I let you in

You wrap your arms around me

I melt at the smell of you

You share your inner thoughts

I hang on every word

You look deeply into my eyes

I fall into your spell

Here I am

Neo searching for Trinity

Serenity fighting alongside Darrien

Selene praying to find her Endymion

Our souls are crossed in a whirlwind universe

But I read your graceful love letters

I saw the words of love

I felt the passion behind them

I heard the sweet song of the heart

If loving you was a crime

I hang my head

What I can do

But to suppress my heart once again

For you are another one's admiration

You are another one's thought and dream

You are their sun and moon

You are my love......lost too soon

Independent dependency

For years, the stereotype has always been the same:A woman always will need a man.

However, for the past few decades, women have done their best to squash this theory. Women's fight to vote in the 1920s, Women's Lib in the 1970s and the "Independent Women" movment of the late 1990s and early 2000s have all been a turning point in which women have stood up for themselves.

However, there is another side to this glorious fight. The side that is never discussed or is swept under the rug. This side is in all women yet we try our best not to show this side to many. It is considered a weakness and should be put under lock and key because this part of a woman is considered a "flaw"...

The "I want to saved by the prince on a white horse" side.

This side, while enjoyed in romance novels, soap operas and song lyrics, is something that women do not discuss aloud with friends nor with loved ones. No woman wants to be called needy nor desparate by their peers, so they shut these feelings out of their "normal" lifestyles and try their best to cope.

The stories, like the stories of Post World War II housewives of the 1950s, are prime examples of how women submissed themselves because of the fear of not being able to handle a household without their husbands. These women, some with college degrees, became "home engineers" and were settled with this position.

However, there were others who wanted more. No more barefoot and pregnant lifestyles, no more having to only survive off the husband's salary and no more living in fear of being alone. This was the start of a new idea of thinking.

Yet,what if the part women are trying to put aside is the healthy part of them trying to come out? For once in a female's life, maybe she should have her right to want a prince on a white horse or a prince with a rose to sweep you off your feet or just a regular guy with a good heart with the best intentions.

Why is it that in this day in time, fictional stories with too good to be true love plots are better received than the pure idea of a woman and the man of her dreams in a whirwind romance? People are being given a double edged sword to play with and are cutting themselves deeply. The movement is actually scarring many into a place that they are afraid to step out of.

What needs to be done is a coming out of closet type of action. Do not be afraid to ask for the romance, the love...........the wanting to be rescued. If there is no action being taken, people will forever wondering.......Is there someone out there to save me?

Blue eyes

Heres a poem I thought of while fliing through the channels:

Blue eyes

Everyday, in all I've been through

When I look up

The skies are usually blue

Everyday, I see you

I study your face

And one fact I see is true

You let things of the world weaken your body

The material things put you down

Life seems to make you feel like you are going to drown

I see the tears in your eyes

I see your soul torn

I see your heart full of regret and scorn

I see your eyes turn blue

From all the stress around what you do

But I must warn you

For every turn of life

There is someone there with a knife

To cut you with a quick slice

While you were asleep

I rubbed your shoulders

I caressed your head

I fluffed your pillows

As I put you to bed

I grabbed the blankets

I tucked you in

I covered your body

As your dreams began

I kissed your face

I closed the door

I even laughed

When I heard you snore

I closed the shutter

I turned off the light

To you my love

I bid you goodnight

Baby if you you give it to me...

Ok this subject is NOT for the weak...so if you are weak when it comes to certain subjects, you may want to close this now.....

Every Sunday night, a few friends and I watch Talk Sex with Dr. Sue on the channel Oxygen. She is a famous sex professor in Canada who for an hour, take calls about anything and everything sexual.

Well, there was a young lady from New York who was tired of her husband not giving her oral but demanding it almost every day from her. Well, Dr. Sue informed her that if she wanted it from him, she would have to either A. Talk to him about it and settle it like adults or if that did not work...B. Withhold it from him.

Well when the show to commerical, one of my friends said, "I would just go straight to B and make him suffer!" And this got me to thinking, if someone is willing to please you in that way, shouldn't the receiver at least consider repaying the giver by hearing out how they feel and what they may want from you?

Ok, I know there are few....hell lets be honest, a good bit of you out there thinking :"Whats the point of doing it to them? I didnt ask them to do that and etc., etc., etc. And why should I do that? I dont like doing that!"

In this writer's opinion, I feel there should be a few rules of sex. Oral, anal and/or regular sex whatever, there should be some lines of communication. If you KNOW you do not swing that way, you should tell your partner before they something "extra". Nothing starts a more petty fight than: "I go down on you but you never do me. Whats wrong with you doing it sometime? What you got against it? And blah blah blah."

Ladies and gentlemen, this one of the hidden reasons for divorce! I mean WTF? So since you do not get your two-blow-jobs-a-week treatment, you end a marriage? This is why before you jump into that situation (or any serious situation) you must have more sexual feelings that match. Let your partner know: "Hey, honey. I love you and everything but I don't do that." If they really love you, this will not be a problem, however, if they start flipping out over that you need to leave that well enough alone.

As for me, yes I have played the part of giver and receiver and in my opinion, nothing is more personal and sharing than exploring your partner's body in that fashion. Sex in any way, shape or form is a serious form of expression and sharing of feelings.

From having sex for the first time, to deciding if you want to take a friendship to another level or your wedding night....it is a special thing and you must make sur it is what you want and in the fashion you want it in.

Love, so many people use your name in vain..

Love happens to be one of the most used words in any language. Love takes on many ways, shapes and forms. It can used to seek approval, to show affection towards people and it can allow other people to see you in a different way.

However, what IS love? Is it a feeling like taste or hear? Is it thing that only happens only a few times in your life? Or is it just a word we use to get our way?

According to Encarta, if you were to search the word love, this would appear:

Love, emotion explored in philosophy, religion, and literature, often as either romantic love, the fraternal love of others, or the love of God.

However, is that all? Can that simple explanation really clarify what we really feel? If we were to break down love and the many ways in it is used, we would have a book thicker than the Webster's dicitionary. Let us look into how this word affects us in everyday life.

First there is the love we feel when we are born. The love of mom and dad or just one of them. To most, this is the best experience of love. These first years of learning about feelings molds how we will give and/or accept love. If we are hurt by someone during this stage, it stays with us. If a young person feels a lacking of love, later on in life it will affect how you will treat relationships. In a study done a few years ago, young homosexuals stated that the way they were treated in childhood led to how they found love later on in life. Most who were abused say that they feel that love is associated with the kind of abused that they suffered with. So if you were beaten and the explanation of why they were beaten was "because I love you", that is all they will ever know.

Then, there is the "if you love me, you would do this for me" love. This feeling is most commonly used by young teenagers and young adults to soothe out a way to get something out of their partner. When a girl is hesistant to give into sexual relations, this is what they will usual hear: "If you love me, you will do this" or "You know I love you so you know I will never leave you." This either A) gets the boy what he wants or B) get the boy what he wants, with more drama to follow afterwards. This abuse of the word can open a can of worms that no one is ready for. A pregnancy may happen and it may lead you back to the first feeling of love we talked about earlier.

Then, as we get older it becomes "I love you but I'm not in love you". This feeling comes with the feeling of the most pit of feelings we acquire as we go into the real world. Lovers or friends or both? Which of these is the right one? As we get closer to people, our feelings evolve but sometimes, this feeling becomes a one way street. This person cares for you and would never hurt you in any way but the feeling is not there. So this love is drowned in sorrow and sad love songs.

Then, when we do find that right one, we are the happiest we can ever be and familes are raised and life is good. For some this fairy tale does not last forever. This is when we come to "We fell out of love but love each other enough to be good in front of the kids". This is where parents put up a good front for the kids so they will believe that everything is all good. But most kids can read right through this and feel that they are being lied to. This can be avoided by being open and honest with kids at an age they can understand.

This entry may seem a little anti-love, but it is just showing that beyond the poetry, songs and presents, there is a dark side to love. Whether we like it or not, love is not always beautiful, its not always postive and it is not always a happy ending. What we do have from love is a lesson that we keep in our hearts forever.

Thinking of you in the afternoon...

For the past few weeks, I've had this dream. I don't know how to explain it so I will just tell in details...

Its a summer after and I was walking in the door from work and front of my doorstep there was a dozen roses. I pick them up and read the card. It says, "Walk inside and check the coffee table". I walk towards the table to find another card saying: "Go upstairs and check the bed".

I run upstairs to find a beautiful sundress lying across the bed with another note:"Wear this and wait outside". I get dressed and go downstairs to find a limo waiting for me. The driver gives me a note:"Wear this blindfold and dont be late". I am blindfolded and led into the limo. I ride for a while and when the limo stops, I am lead to a small table. The blindfold is taken off my eyes and I find a table filled with candles and and soft music filled the air.

I find a letter on table expaining why I was put on this chase. It said that there was no other way to express how they felt and showing me was better.

I looked around forthe person who had done this, only to feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn to find a tall and handsome guy with a beautiful smile. He grabbed me by the waist and we began to dance.

And that was that...........weird huh? Oh well, maybe it will come true or just stay a dream.....

A poem about lost love

To be without you

Is like being without my daytime

Everyday seems so gloomy

And I don’t know how I get through

I had others pursue me

Try to lure me

Attempt to woo me

Try their hardest to move me

Away from you

But I try

To get by

Just by the sound of your voice

I look for you in every face I see

But yet I go to bed alone wondering

If you are out there looking for me

Do you feel the void that I feel
Do you clutch your pillow at night

Craving for my embrace

Wanting to wake up to the morning light

Next to my sleeping face

Do you feel my arms wrap around you

As I say a silent prayer for your lonely heart to heal

As a young woman

I didn’t understand the ways of a widow

Like Betty or Coretta

But being without you

I feel in my heart

That I can’t do any better

Cause you are the one who has my heart

Maybe that’s why I feel such pain when we are apart

What goes around......

You ignored me

You always looked at me as no one

You saw her as a queen and me as a peasant

You wanted to serve her as she took out everything that you wanted to be

She ignored you

She always looked at you as no one

She saw you as a chore boy and I saw you as a soulmate

She wanted you to forget all about me and I saw the whole thing through

I was ignored

I always stood by throughout everything

I saw you as the one to steal my heart

I wanted you but did not see that and I was floored

So now that she has moved on and you are left alone

She has went to her castle and left you with no home

You are coming around stalking me like a hound

But never again because what goes around comes around

Question of the day....................

Hello readers! It's time once again for another entry........this time, I decided to have a series of questions that always come up in conversations. So here is the first part of Question of the day..........

Today's question: Is there such a thing as a "light relationship"?

In these times of questioning the real definition of monogamy, we have seen many new twist to the concept of "open relationships". For some, it gives us this loophole to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife" with the added bonus of being with other people. We call these people "screw crew" or "Fu-- Buddies" but do we really need them?

Whats the point of an open or light, as its being called now, relationships when all you really want is a different person to sleep with every night? Why put yourself through all the guilt and sneaking around when you can just be open wih no "attachments"?

In the day and age with AIDS and other STDs, along other dramas that can occur during these types of relationships, is it really worth it?

Everyone has there opinions on why but what if, just what if, you gain feelings for your partner but in their minds, there is no relationship?

Well, I'll be waiting for everyone's responses.

Loe ya lots,

This is for someone out there who maybe missing someone today.....This is a little something to help you express how you feel...........

As I walk down the road, I think of you

As I stare out the window, I wish for you to be next to me

As I sleep, I dream of you

As I feel the breeze of the wind, I hear your voice calling for me

As I cry, I feel you wiping away the tears

As I pray, I hope that God is protecting you until we meet again

For we are physically apart, but in my heart, my soul and in my spirit

I know you are there with me

I know you have to get on the grind, but there is a selfish part of me

That wants you to stay with me

You worked so hard to get here you are

You fought off the worse and rolled with the best

Some accepted you in there circles while others tried to shut you out

Still you rose to the occasion

Now it’s your day and all I can do is be there for you

I see you there proud of the result of your hustle

But I know that this is the end of one chapter and the beginning

I know that the days, the weeks and the months will pass

And the time, the space and the distance will come into play

One thing I know that will stay true is we will always have our good times

Cause where there's me, there's you; where there's you, there's me

Another small poem

when i first met you

we hit it off so fast

always together, talking about the past

now looking back, i didn't know then

that you would become

more than just my friend

now that you know

i never wanna let you go

eventhough you are far away

there is one place

you will always stay....

cause,

no matter where you go

no matter what you do (no matter baby)

one thing's for sure

that i'll always love you

no matter where you'll be

i will never leave (no baby)

cant you see

that we were meant to be

my first thought in the morning

my last in the evening

you are the reason baby

that i'm always dreamin

your voice lights my soul

your love makes me whole

now i know i'll never, never

let you go

cant let you go that easy

you gotta tell me how you feel

please let me know

if this love is real

for good and for bad

through the light and the dark

you have been the strength

in my heart

so baby please

tell if this love

is right

because i dont

want to leave without

you another night........

An open letter to a brokenheart

To whom it may concern,

I thought this letter would be of service to you. I could not take knowing that you are sitting there hurting the way you are. You tried so hard and so faithfully to let someone come in to your space and show you things you have been yearning for.

However, you feel torn. You hear Mariah sing we belong together and Marcos declare that if you were mine he would be your everything, but nothing heals your pain. You hear Luther plea for only one night cause that all you want. Nothing more, nothing less. Just one night to feel something you have not heard in a long time.

Cause like Phyliss sadly says, you can't stand living all alone. Your soul is tortured because the person you would give your heart to has stopped your dreams cold. The pleasure and pain that flows through you is nothing you have ever felt before.

So you give up. You crave for this person. You know was just let down easy. But in your heart, you keep a small hope because no one in the world makes you feel the way they do.

It is soul suicide. You keep killing your spirit. It is never going to be anything more than what is presented to your face. Your moonlight is now dim.

So the best thing to do is to wave your white flag. Leave everything that you thought could be a good thing and walk away and you got a long way to go and its such a lonely road.

Student Politics....Lost Cause?

In the 1960's and 1970's, students took to the streets and protested many subjects such as wars and civil rights. They were mostly peaceful except for a few situations such as the Kent State shootings in 1970. Students risked their lives to let thier voices be heard.

Now, that we are in war again, students are not taking to the streets. In fact, according to a recent poll, 55 percent of students say they would not protest this war because they felt that their voice would not be heard. Many think that protesting is a waste of time and unpatriotic. Others think the news covers everything enough and they can pass their opinions that way, but who is right? Is it wrong for students to pick up a sign and walk in front of campus and vopice thier opinions?

Most feel that if you want to do something about a certain sitiuation, that you should put up or shut up. If you have a problem with the war, you should either enlist or say nothing. If you see someone's Civil Rights are being violated, you should help stand up to the aggressor or turn your head. It is not illegal to take action were it is needed nor is it illegal for someone to take a stand against what is wrong.

So is student politics still alive or are we only going to see student protestors in our history books?

Give me heads up on what you think.